Wednesday, July 24, 2013

What's With The Inner Dialogue??

I read this article today and I just thought it was such a great read...
I would be lying if I said I didn't have inner monologue constantly going in my head about my self-image and body. In fact, at times, it is just so loud I can barely think of anything else. At times, I think I look pretty good and think I am fine with myself as it is. Other times, it is so negative that I just beat myself up over it and walk around with this aura of insecurity. Of all of the things I think, what I hate the most is how much hate I have for myself about being "lazy" or having no self-control.
It's not my tummy being soft, or my thighs being big. It's the fact that I seem to think I should be this superwoman, every week, every day. With the ultimate in self-control, exercising constantly, and never allowing myself pleasures when it comes to food. Why do I do this to myself? I am not lazy. I work a 40 hour a week job. For the last 3 weeks, I've actually been a "stay at home" mom and worked 40 hours a week simultaneously, while tending to three children at all hours of the day. I've done VBS every night for a week, traveled out of the state on a road trip with three children, participated in parties, given time to family and friends, and been to church. My life isn't lazy. While I do feel incredibly sedentary, it's not because I want it to be that way. I sit as part of my job and I really hate it. But, for now, I don't have another option, so it is what it is. And yet, I punish myself constantly for being this "lazy" person.
But, with all of that said, I can certainly relate to the author of this article. That has been a hard thing for me to accept, that even though I know my husband loves me and thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world, at times, I find myself cringing as well when he tells me so. Just like her, I also ask myself, "Why doesn't he see all of the stuff I see? Why can't he see how flabby and soft I am? How can he possibly think I look so beautiful when he sees me in a swimsuit?" And I feel such turmoil, to allow my husband to love me and admire his wife, the way he wants to, and to accept that admiration without questioning it.
It's hard to be a woman, yes? With all of this inner dialogue going on, it's a wonder we even have relationships and get out of the house at all. But honestly, I know that I eat pretty well, especially lately. I exercise when I have time to do it and I don't just lay around in bed all day long. I am raising children, I cook dinner for them, I do laundry, and I work. I need to give myself credit for that, that just because I am not a size 2 (and even if I was, I have a feeling I would still have issues with my self-image) I am still a beautiful person who contributes to very important things in this world.
I am going to work on this. Making the inner dialogue in my head positive instead of negative. And allowing the husband God blessed me with to compliment me, kiss me, and love me as much as he wants, without me turning away for fear of him thinking "my thighs are too fat." It's kind of crazy, isn't it? We spend the first part of our adult life looking for a guy who is kind, respectful, loving and cares about us without fail, and then once we get a guy like that, we spend the rest of our lives questioning his sincerity. Ugh.

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