Sharing My Jennarocity

I can't believe I have an 8-year-old! This kid has gotten so big, I just can't believe it.  Avery is a spunky, social, friendly, happy, singing and dancing, fun-loving, positive, outgoing kiddo. She has the best smile in the world. Her presence in a room makes it light up with joy! She loves her family and loves her friends. She is loyal and caring to those in her life. She is a snuggler and is so loving - I can't help but give her kisses and hugs ALL the time.  Avery - 1 month  Avery - 1 year Avery - 2 years  Avery - 3 Years   Avery - 4 years Avery - 5 years  Avery - 6 years  Avery - 7 years Words can't describe how proud I am to be this little girls' mom. She is a truly special and unique kiddo and I have loved watching her grow and can't wait to see what her life brings in this next year!

I love my daughter so much. I love her more than I could ever even fathom. Avery and I have been going to counseling for several months to get through things. Thank goodness for Children First Counseling Center in Grand Prairie, who have provided the most amazing counselor for Avery during this time. We've been working on feelings and how it's OK to have feelings. It's OK to express them. She's helped me as I've talked to Avery about what's going on in her life and has been a good sounding board for me. A few weeks ago, Angela asked if I would join Avery's sessions because Avery's been having difficulty expressing herself. She thought maybe if she saw me expressing myself, we could work on her doing the same. I did and for the last couple weeks we've been doing counseling together. She's been complaining about a tummy ache since last week, and night before last, she woke up in the middle of the night and began vomiting. She didn't go to ...

I went back and forth about being honest on this blog about my situation. Sharing my story took me some time, but when I began to realize that it was helping other women, I decided it was time I just come out with it. There were things that were coming out in the open whether I liked it or not, so I had a choice to embrace it or hide it. I chose to embrace it.  I want to talk today about honesty and truth, and divorce. When it comes to the ugliness of our characters and the decisions we make as parents and adults, we all have a choice to make with how much to share with our kids about situations that affect them. I read article after article, and so many articles out there encourage parents to keep as much away from kids as we can, so we don't hurt them with adult situations. I totally understand the logic in that. There are so many adult situations kids don't need to be a part of. Ideally, kids would never have to encounter any situation that was difficult, sad or upsetti...

I want to make sure to preface this post. I got a lot of questions from the last post about being told I was bitter and people who'd made me feel bad for not being over things. People said, "Was that me?" There were a few very close people to me during the entire downfall and there were times that we would talk about how long I'm going to be upset about this because they were afraid I was crossing over into Bittertown. Aside from them, though, the comments I got that I am referring to came from online support groups and well-meaning acquaintances. So - your best friends, your kids, your siblings - suddenly they find themselves in the middle of a divorce. In my opinion, there are two ways to have a divorce: the one where both partners saw it coming, discussed it, tried to work things out and parted ways respectfully and amicably; and then all the rest. I recently polled a single women group on Facebook about why they got divorced. Out of 175 women who responded, 7...

After my last post, I received a lot of messages from women who had the same situation happen to them. I'm not going to lie - it makes me angry. It makes me angry how prevalent it's become in our culture for women, especially, to be left behind to deal with the aftermath of their spouse's selfishness. I don't even know if it's a culture thing or just a sin thing that's happened since the dawn of time, but I guess now that I've been through what I've been through, I see it all around me, in my personal relationships or online in support forums for divorced women, even in DivorceCare at the local church.  What makes me different, I think, is that I am willing to talk about my experiences honestly and without fear. It's humiliating to go through. Seriously humiliating. And no woman wants to admit that the man they chose to spend their life with would be capable of causing them such pain and anguish, much less bring kids into the mix. We want to cov...

So, there's a pretty large piece of the puzzle I've kept to myself about this entire situation. My ex-husband is now married. Again.  I was really not going to write about this on my blog, but Avery has been told by her dad and is talking about it with anyone who will listen, so there really isn't a point keeping it a secret anymore.  I'm not sure I can accurately put into words how it feels to be betrayed in the way I've been betrayed. Not just by a man, but by several people. A few weeks ago - remember my grief? - I found this out and had a very difficult time dealing with it. I found out about them getting married. Not finding out that there would be another woman in the picture. That I've known for some time. I was humiliated at first. How could I not be. But It's become pretty evident that this isn't my humiliation to bare. Yes, it happened to me, but it's not my fault, nor is it my burden to carry. What this does mean is th...

Since my last post, I've had a couple of weeks to get some healing. I called what happened to me a couple weeks ago a nervous breakdown, but it wasn't, at all. It was grief. Pure overwhelming grief. God put me right there for a very good reason. He was saying, "Jenna, it's time to let all of this go. It's time to move on. You've held it together and I've let you, but trust me and know - it's time to move on with your life."  I knew there would come a point when all of the sudden things would just be...ok. I would stop caring about what he was doing and I would stop feeling pain when I thought about him. I say all of the sudden - but it's really a process almost a year in the making. But it's like, you feel pain, pain, pain, then suddenly....less pain. Then, hardly anything at all.  That's what's happened to me this week. I can say that I've forgiven him for what he's done. I can say that I don't care what choice...

...that's been me.  And crack, is has.  I know everyone looks into my life and sees how "well" I've been handling things. There are some really good days, but there have also been very bad days. Last night was the worst day of all of this so far. I don't know if it's the stress of the having to sell the house, or other issues that have come up this week that I'd rather not share, but I finally had a breakdown.  I don't know if this whole time, if maybe I thought that some how, some way, there would be some miracle that would stop all the bad things from happening during this divorce. I prayed for God to intervene a million times and stopped when I realized that wasn't what He was going to do. For the longest time, maybe I was just afraid of things that were to come, and I thought the finality of the divorce would end those fears for me.  Our divorce date came and went, and here I am, and things in the situation have become much wor...

This is one of my favorite worship songs for many reasons, but I'm not sure I really understood what this song actually felt like to live it out until now. The song is "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United." Here are the lyrics: You call me out upon the waters The great unknown where feet may fail And there I find You in the mystery In oceans deep My faith will stand And I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I am Yours and You are mine Your grace abounds in deepest waters Your sovereign hand Will be my guide Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me You've never failed and You won't start now So I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I am Yours and You are mine And You are mine Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders Let me walk upon the waters Wherever You wou...

Six years ago, almost to the day, I posted about us moving into our dream house.  It was titled, "When You Are Least Expecting It."   I find it ironic, given the way all of this ended, as surprisingly as it began.  When Jason first left, I had three major fears: 1) Losing my marriage, 2) Losing my stepkids and 3) Losing my house.  My house is the last on that list of concerns. Of those three things, I've kept the one thing that mattered most, which is knowing I will always be in my stepkids' lives. While I didn't have much control how all of this played out, I was able to negotiate in our decree that when I got rid of the house would be my decision on my terms. I've been paying for it alone since February and the Lord saw fit to take care of me financially until I was ready to emotionally give it up. The last few months, I've been really thinking about the house and working through my emotions about it. Every week, I get more and more aggr...

The last few weeks have been interesting, to say the least.  July was the first month that we had our new "custody arrangement" in place. According to possession orders in Texas, the father receives the entire month of July with the exception of one weekend of the mom's choosing. I was very nervous going into this month because I knew it was going to be very hard on Avery. Avery is very much a momma's girl and I knew that neither she nor I could go the entire month and not see each other.  I was very happy that we were able to work out arrangements where she could go back and forth between us for the month. She would stay with me a couple days then him a couple of days.  Again, I can't say enough how excited I am to have the job I do where I am able to make this arrangement work. I think it really helped her and gave her a sense of ownership in where she wanted to spend her time.  July 20th was the day my divorce was final. I really didn't kno...

It's no secret that I've lost a substantial amount of weight in the last year. The surprising part comes when I tell people how much weight I have lost. I am very fortunate to be as tall as I am because it hides weight gain well. Most people wouldn't believe how much I weighed last summer at this time...225 pounds. That is 9 pounds heavier than my heaviest pregnancy weight and the heaviest I've ever been in my life.  I'm not saying I was ugly, because I wasn't. But it wasn't me. I didn't feel like me, at all. I went through this period of working constantly, being this entreprenuer and I looked at myself in the mirror at night and thought, "I don't even recognize myself anymore." I remember going shopping one day and having to not only shop in the plus-size section, but I was into double XL clothes. In the middle of the store, I sobbed silently because nothing I was about to get was cute or represented who I was. I was severely dep...

I signed my final decree this last week. This upcoming week, my divorce will be final. On one hand it's still very surreal and on another hand, I've started to become used to it. I was asked this week how do I feel about it and my answer is simply "yes." Whatever feeling you can think of, that's how I feel.  Mostly though, I am excited for what God has for me. There's clearly a reason all of this has happened and as a believer, I know God has some plans for my life. It's been interesting, growing to become accustomed with the single life again. It's been nice to have the ability to do what I want when I want, spend my money how I choose, try new things and have the excitement of not knowing everything that is around the corner. Do not get me wrong; even now, I would never choose divorce over working on my marriage. But since I wasn't given a choice in the matter, I am choosing to make the best of things.  i haven't thought much about d...