...that's been me.
And crack, is has.
I know everyone looks into my life and sees how "well" I've been handling things. There are some really good days, but there have also been very bad days. Last night was the worst day of all of this so far. I don't know if it's the stress of the having to sell the house, or other issues that have come up this week that I'd rather not share, but I finally had a breakdown.
I don't know if this whole time, if maybe I thought that some how, some way, there would be some miracle that would stop all the bad things from happening during this divorce. I prayed for God to intervene a million times and stopped when I realized that wasn't what He was going to do. For the longest time, maybe I was just afraid of things that were to come, and I thought the finality of the divorce would end those fears for me.
Our divorce date came and went, and here I am, and things in the situation have become much worse, as if they already weren't bad enough. This too shall pass, and I know that. I've been on this earth long enough to know things always get better, things always get fixed, and I am a survivor at my core so I will get back up, like I always have, dust myself off, and start all over again.
But like everyone else in the world, I have my limit and last night, mine was reached. I don't want to make this dire, it's not something of severity like you might think. But my mind did go down a deep dark path of sadness, frustration and anger. I yelled. I cried. I let my friends have it and gave them about 95% of my feelings in one long, lingering phone call, one by one. I dumped my issues in a drama filled tirade onto anyone that would take them off my back, cause I just couldn't carry them anymore. They worried about me and they took my burden and today, they still answered the phone when I called. That's always a good sign.
I just needed everyone to stop telling me what to do and how to feel and how to react. There are elements of this situation that have been so difficult for me to break free from and I realize it's frustrating. I've been that friend, too, watching someone you love suffer and it's the most horrible feeling in the world. And there's nothing you can do about it except listen for the 1 millionth time and then get off the phone and say, "if only she'd do this, this, and this, she'd feel better!" It's the desperation of loved ones hating to see their BFF hurting so terribly for so long.
Fighting for my marriage and my husband has been my quest for months. Thinking about it now, I kind of think I was distracting myself with it, instead of dealing with my feelings of abandonment and loss. I think last night, I finally felt all of the feelings that I've put on the back burner this whole time, and they crashed down around me in one big heap of ugliness. My arms were literally hurting, carrying all of that weight and pretending like I was OK and like I'm just "hanging in there." I think I'm Superwoman, or her mental health counterpart Immense Woman, capable of withstanding excruciatingly heavy large amounts of burdens and worries in a single bound, and look! With all she is holding, she can still build a pool and a deck and a gazebo.......
I'm sad. And I'm humiliated. And I'm frustrated. And my life is changing and I have very little control right now. And I haven't handled everything well. Or even kind of well. I can beat myself up over and over again for all of the things I've done wrong in this situation, and why me! and...and...and...
Or I can find some grace for myself. Though it's very hard. What I've been through is second in stress only to the death of a loved one, and I need to remember that, as I mentally lambast myself for not doing it better or doing it "right." And I need to let myself have some time to just be upset and not feel like I have to fill my days with busy work to keep the emotions from seeping in.
It's hard y'all. Life can be so hard. Can I get an amen?
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