Where Feet May Fail...

This is one of my favorite worship songs for many reasons, but I'm not sure I really understood what this song actually felt like to live it out until now. The song is "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United." Here are the lyrics:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
And You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

These last 10 months have been the absolute hardest of my entire life. Hardest of my ENTIRE LIFE. Never in a million years would I have thought I would have been at the place I've been at right now. There are many things going on about this aren't known by everyone, but it has been become the most bizarre, most odd and most outlandish situations I've ever seen. Not only have I had to place my faith much more into God, but I've had to give up virtually all control of many things, including my daughter on Jason's weekends.

When I really read through the lyrics of the song, this is exactly what I've felt like. I've described my situation many times as the feeling of drowning. Not that I feel like I'm drowning, like dying, but the feeling of not being able to get my footing, not knowing what dangers are around me and the fear of having no control and no idea what's around me. When I look at this song, I realize that's exactly what God has been trying to do, put me in that situation for me to depend on him and realize that I don't need to be worried about things around me, but to look up, above the waves and the uncertainty and keep my eyes focused on Him.

Matthew 14: 22-33 tells the story of the disciples being in a storm on the ocean and Jesus coming to get them, but it required faith on Peter's part. 

Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone. Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, "It's a ghost!" But Jesus spoke to them at once, "Don't be afraid," he said, "take courage, I am here!' Then Peter called to him, "Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water." "Yes, come," Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus, But when he was the strong wind and waves he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!" he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him, "you have so little faith." Jesus said, "Why do you doubt me?" When they clinbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. "You really are the Son of God!" they exclaimed. 

As much as I'd like to think I've put my faith in God every step of the way, that would not be truthful. Satan has very much tried to attack me, and has used this situation many, many times, to get to me. Some days are better days than others for me. Some days, I am filled with sadness, despair and the feeling of overwhelming uncertainty. It can be very easy to forget exactly who the enemy is in situations like this. My divorce and the situation we are currently in now are not just things happening in my life, but there are some elements of personal, direct attacks on me. I forget sometimes who we are fighting in this world, not flesh and blood but spiritual battles we can't see. I also forget to put on the Armor of God and stand firm against the schemes of the devil, and trust me y'all, I've ticked him off something fierce because he has been scheming up a storm. 

Since November, when Jason left, I have felt like I've been in battle. The hits have come hard and come regularly for a while. This week was probably one of the biggest hits of all, and it got me down for a few days. I've been in a daze and for the first time in all of this, it was hard for me to get up and focus on much anything else. But yesterday, I picked up my Bible and started to pray and this morning, I woke up with a much more enlightened attitude. I began listening to worship music. I got up and worked and took care of some business. I remembered what we are doing here, that God has us and that this situation won't be like this forever. I also remembered that God has provided me amazing hope in my life and I am focusing on praising Him for that, instead of asking, "Why me? Why is this happening to me?"

 Pray for me today, will you?