I signed my final decree this last week. This upcoming week, my divorce will be final. On one hand it's still very surreal and on another hand, I've started to become used to it. I was asked this week how do I feel about it and my answer is simply "yes." Whatever feeling you can think of, that's how I feel.
Mostly though, I am excited for what God has for me. There's clearly a reason all of this has happened and as a believer, I know God has some plans for my life. It's been interesting, growing to become accustomed with the single life again. It's been nice to have the ability to do what I want when I want, spend my money how I choose, try new things and have the excitement of not knowing everything that is around the corner. Do not get me wrong; even now, I would never choose divorce over working on my marriage. But since I wasn't given a choice in the matter, I am choosing to make the best of things.
i haven't thought much about dating again until recently. To be honest, the thought of it is daunting. It's not something I've ever gone into on my blog, but my dating life prior to getting married was, to say the least, a mess. I was a mess back in my 20's. I had no clue who I was or what I was capable of, nor what I deserved in a relationship. I accepted so much that I never should have because I really didn't think I was worth more. I don't think I'm unlike many women out there. You get nervous that there isn't anyone out there better than the person you are with and the thought of starting over with the pain becomes too overwhelming, so you just stay in a mediocre and hurtful situation and hope it changes someday. Looking back at the "20's me" makes me very sad. I had very little self-worth and had no clue what a catch I truly was. You'd think going through a divorce would really hit my self-esteem hard but quite the contrary. For whatever reason, God has allowed me to come through this, not only with my self-worth in tact, but larger than it ever has been. I really think because I am a mother, the decisions I make this time around are going to be much more deliberate and wise. I would rather be single and a strong, confident role model for Avery than go through the hurt of relationship after relationship with men who don't deserve me, like I did back in those days, showing her those bad habits I had.
I was asked the other day what I do when I get lonely and I can say with certainty that I very rarely have been lonely in this process so far. I've been blessed with so many friends and supportive people in my life that are more than willing to talk and hang out, plus I've thrown myself into so many projects that I guess I just haven't had much time to be lonely. I do want to meet new people and try new things, though, and am starting to look into ways I can do that. But lonely in a romantic sense just hasn't happened yet. I'm still getting over things so I'm not all about rushing in to anything just yet. Plus, when I have Avery, how in the world can I be lonely having her around?
I know the time will come though, where I'll begin to have the desire to date again. And this time, I plan on doing it better. Looking back, even in my marriage, I have never been pursued. I have always been the pusher, the instigator. I don't want to do that again. I want to know that a man truly sees me as special and makes efforts to be in my life, instead of the other way around. The other thing that will change this time around is my willingness to heed red flags from the get-go. My intuition is always spot on, and yet I've ignored red flags for a variety of reasons, continuing on with people I had no business dating in the first place. I think at this point in my life, I've done enough self-reflection and have enough of an understanding what to look for in a man who wants to date me and the things I should see in one who truly cares. I have also done enough reflection on past relationships where I can pinpoint the moment from the very beginning that had I listened to my intuition and heeded those red flags, I could have saved myself a lot of hurt. Having a 7 year old daughter, I simply do not have any reason to be messing around with any men who just aren't right for me or mature enough to handle an adult relationship. That doesn't mean I can't have fun and meet new people, but it does mean that anyone that is going to be in my life in a serious way will have to pass the "Avery" test. If this man isn't the kind of man I would want my daughter to date if she was dating someone identical to him at her age, then there's no reason for me to be dating him, either.
I also want a man who not only says he is a Christian and a believer, but acts like it and makes decisions like it. There is a BIG difference between saying you have the Lord in your heart and acting like you do. I'm not saying people can't make mistakes. But any believer who has a relationship with God and spends time in the word can tell the difference between someone who has been changed by the Holy Spirit and strives to live a Christ-like life and a person who simply claims to but has not fruit to show for it. The man I end up with will have integrity, courage of conviction and never be satisfied but always be striving to be a better man in Christ. On this, I will not compromise again.
As far as what is up next for me professionally, real estate is still going strong. I have just received my certification to be a mobile signing agent. I have also started work on my book that has been several years in the making. I am very excited for the professional growth that has happened and that is to come.
So, needless to say, I am actually rather excited about this next phase in my life and what is to come.
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