I went back and forth about being honest on this blog about my situation. Sharing my story took me some time, but when I began to realize that it was helping other women, I decided it was time I just come out with it. There were things that were coming out in the open whether I liked it or not, so I had a choice to embrace it or hide it. I chose to embrace it.
I want to talk today about honesty and truth, and divorce. When it comes to the ugliness of our characters and the decisions we make as parents and adults, we all have a choice to make with how much to share with our kids about situations that affect them. I read article after article, and so many articles out there encourage parents to keep as much away from kids as we can, so we don't hurt them with adult situations. I totally understand the logic in that. There are so many adult situations kids don't need to be a part of. Ideally, kids would never have to encounter any situation that was difficult, sad or upsetting. They would grow up in a family, with two parents who lived the values they taught, who were dedicated to one another, with financial security, going to sleep every night with two parents kissing them goodnight, with homework done and a home cooked meal in their full bellies. This is exactly my idea of what a childhood should look like. I wish it was like that all the time. I really do. It breaks my heart that it's not. That's the life my daughter had before all of this and I hate that her childhood took a different route.
When I think about the problems we have as adults, so many, if not all, of the issues we have as adults come from our childhood and unresolved issues with our own parents. Why is it that so many of us have these problems? My philosophy is because we think we need to keep the bad from kids as kids, that will somehow keep them from the bad realities we don't want them to see. But life is full of bad realities. This world is full of sin and it's full of things that are going to upset them and make them sad. Sometimes, it's best to shield them. But in some ways, shielding them is what adds to their problems of insecurity. They know something is wrong but no adult in their life will admit to it or validate their feelings,
We forget that kids are little human beings. Human beings are born with instincts, God given instincts, that tell us what is right and what is wrong. We teach them values along the way, of course, but innate in us all are the instincts God has given us to understand situations that are hurtful. You don't have to teach someone that abuse feels bad. They know it does, whether you tell them or not. The issue comes sometimes when adults confuse their instincts by not being honest or not telling them the truth. This is why I think so many women grow up to not trust their instincts or to be able to discern truth.
Avery knew a while back that what her dad was doing wasn't OK without me having to say a word. One day, in the car, Avery said "Mom, you know dad is cheating on you." This was several months ago before our divorce had even really started. She knew this because her dad introduced a woman to her via FaceTime and she knew her parents weren't divorced. I said, "First of all, how do you know the word cheating? Second, why do you think that?" She learned the word cheating from school. She said, "Because daddy is with her when he is supposed to be with you."
At that moment, I knew I had to address a truth, but I had no idea how to do it. Thankfully, Avery has been seeing a counselor since May and last week, I wrote Avery a letter. She kept asking why dad and I got divorced. She knew something was off. So, I thought about it, did research, and ran my letter by her counselor before her session. We both agreed it was the way to go. It was a short letter, but basically it said, "Mommy and daddy promised each other they would love only each other when they got married. Daddy broke that promise and it made me very sad. It doesn't mean daddy doesn't love you and it wasn't your fault. Adults sometimes do things that even adults don't understand. But it doesn't mean we can't love them and pray for them. Your feelings are important and I always will be honest with you, answer your questions and we both will always want to know how you feel."
She knows that her dad's choices upset me. She knows that her dad's choices upset her. But she also knows that it's OK to love dad anyway. At this point, I'm not concerned about her new step-mother. I'm not actively working against that situation, but Avery needs time to heal from her parents breaking apart and right now, the new stepmom isn't a part of that equation.
The truth isn't what hurts, guys. The actions are what hurts. The hurt from an affair, for example, doesn't come from the time the parent tells the truth, the hurt comes the act of the affair itself. Now, I have to constantly, and I mean constantly, question my motives. Am I doing this to be spiteful? Am I doing this to hurt their relationship? Am I putting my own feelings on the situation onto my child? Questions like that haunt me. But I have to see my child, listen to what she is saying, and do the best I can to help her see truth while also helping her see that adults just simply make mistakes sometimes. This goes for me too....just the other week, I had a moment I wasn't proud of and Avery questioned me on it. I had to tell her later that I was sorry, I didn't handle things in the best way and I should have done (this) instead. She said, "mom, why didn't you tell me how you were feeling? I could have helped. I could have hugged you to make you feel better." I realized that I have taught her #1 the ability to know that even parents make mistakes and #2 I am teaching her empathy. When kids don't know anything is wrong, you can't build the empathy muscle.
I have the responsibility of raising a young woman. A young woman who will grow up to be in situations that are confusing and difficult. A young woman who will be in relationships with young men and I want my daughter to trust her instincts. When we tell kids, "These are grown up problems, let grown ups worry about them" or when we try to pretend like the things our spouses (or us) are doing aren't that bad and we need to not worry about it, we are teaching them to go against their instincts to discern right from wrong. I have a responsibility to make sure my child has a relationship with her father. But more so than that, I have a responsibility to my daughter to say, "You think something is wrong and you are RIGHT." When we mask things, hide things, tell kids to lie about the little things (which we all do at times) we are training them to become adults who do the same things. Then they get into unhealthy situations and relationships and we wonder why.
One thing that bugs the heck of me lately is when parents say, "Mommy and daddy just stopped loving each other. It has nothing to do with you." Well, very rarely is it that mommy and daddy just stopped loving each other. What you are teaching kids is that when I fall out of "love" with someone, divorce is fine. You are also not telling kids that there are real problems in marriage, and they get into marriage with unrealistic expectations. Now, I'm not a proponent for including kids into every dirty situation you have in a marriage. Not at all. But....when your actions affect the kids, like in divorce, I believe it's their right to know. Know the truth. Not know the truth with the offended parent's editorialized comments on the matter. Facts, truth, age appropriate and when the situation calls for it. Those are the things to consider.
I don't know why we, as women (or men, but mostly women) feel guilt about the choices our spouses make. We feel like it's our duty to keep that from our children, as if it's our fault if they find out. I believe that with infidelity today, it's the same as any other thing you cover up. It's on the abused party to keep the secret, not on the abuser to be responsible for their own actions. If I tell, I'm the bad guy, even though I didn't do anything wrong. And if I did do something wrong, I will own it. But that's the difference between people who are accountable for their actions and people who are not.
Yes, my daughter will learn the truth in time, even if I don't tell her. Or maybe, if I don't tell her, she might never know the exact truth. But she'll always know something was wrong. I could let her go through a series of failed relationships to find the truth she was missing in her childhood, or I could just be honest, be there to hear her, support her, tell something is wrong, and teach her that people make mistakes and also teach her about forgiveness. And I hope that this will help her not seek something out in an unhealthy relationship that she didn't get from a parent who was more willing to lie and cover up than just to be honest. What is the point of lying as parents, if not to cover up our own choices? When you live your life as though your actions affect your children, you DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOUR KIDS TO LIE OR JUSTIFY YOUR BAD CHOICES. If you make a mistake they find out about, own it. If you do something you shouldn't have done, be accountable. Just because you are the parent doesn't mean you are infallible, that you never make mistakes or that you are perfect. It's OK for your kids to know that. It will do them a favor in the long run to learn that lesson now, rather than when they are 38 and have been divorced twice and don't understand what it is they are looking for that they can't seem to find.
Unfortunately, for me, this also means teaching my daughter about forgiveness. Which means I have to have it myself. That's hard and that's where I am at right at his moment. But I will forgive both people who have wronged me and hope that the situation we are in will turn out good for all involved. Even if it doesn't, I still know I can hold my head high because my daughter will have learned a valuable lesson. More than anything, she wants to know I am not going to fall apart, even though bad things have happened. She will know her mother is honest. She will know that life has disappointments and she can get through them and they will not break her. The trick is teaching that but also encouraging her childish whimsy and enthusiasm.
We forget that kids are little human beings. Human beings are born with instincts, God given instincts, that tell us what is right and what is wrong. We teach them values along the way, of course, but innate in us all are the instincts God has given us to understand situations that are hurtful. You don't have to teach someone that abuse feels bad. They know it does, whether you tell them or not. The issue comes sometimes when adults confuse their instincts by not being honest or not telling them the truth. This is why I think so many women grow up to not trust their instincts or to be able to discern truth.
Avery knew a while back that what her dad was doing wasn't OK without me having to say a word. One day, in the car, Avery said "Mom, you know dad is cheating on you." This was several months ago before our divorce had even really started. She knew this because her dad introduced a woman to her via FaceTime and she knew her parents weren't divorced. I said, "First of all, how do you know the word cheating? Second, why do you think that?" She learned the word cheating from school. She said, "Because daddy is with her when he is supposed to be with you."
At that moment, I knew I had to address a truth, but I had no idea how to do it. Thankfully, Avery has been seeing a counselor since May and last week, I wrote Avery a letter. She kept asking why dad and I got divorced. She knew something was off. So, I thought about it, did research, and ran my letter by her counselor before her session. We both agreed it was the way to go. It was a short letter, but basically it said, "Mommy and daddy promised each other they would love only each other when they got married. Daddy broke that promise and it made me very sad. It doesn't mean daddy doesn't love you and it wasn't your fault. Adults sometimes do things that even adults don't understand. But it doesn't mean we can't love them and pray for them. Your feelings are important and I always will be honest with you, answer your questions and we both will always want to know how you feel."
She knows that her dad's choices upset me. She knows that her dad's choices upset her. But she also knows that it's OK to love dad anyway. At this point, I'm not concerned about her new step-mother. I'm not actively working against that situation, but Avery needs time to heal from her parents breaking apart and right now, the new stepmom isn't a part of that equation.
The truth isn't what hurts, guys. The actions are what hurts. The hurt from an affair, for example, doesn't come from the time the parent tells the truth, the hurt comes the act of the affair itself. Now, I have to constantly, and I mean constantly, question my motives. Am I doing this to be spiteful? Am I doing this to hurt their relationship? Am I putting my own feelings on the situation onto my child? Questions like that haunt me. But I have to see my child, listen to what she is saying, and do the best I can to help her see truth while also helping her see that adults just simply make mistakes sometimes. This goes for me too....just the other week, I had a moment I wasn't proud of and Avery questioned me on it. I had to tell her later that I was sorry, I didn't handle things in the best way and I should have done (this) instead. She said, "mom, why didn't you tell me how you were feeling? I could have helped. I could have hugged you to make you feel better." I realized that I have taught her #1 the ability to know that even parents make mistakes and #2 I am teaching her empathy. When kids don't know anything is wrong, you can't build the empathy muscle.
I have the responsibility of raising a young woman. A young woman who will grow up to be in situations that are confusing and difficult. A young woman who will be in relationships with young men and I want my daughter to trust her instincts. When we tell kids, "These are grown up problems, let grown ups worry about them" or when we try to pretend like the things our spouses (or us) are doing aren't that bad and we need to not worry about it, we are teaching them to go against their instincts to discern right from wrong. I have a responsibility to make sure my child has a relationship with her father. But more so than that, I have a responsibility to my daughter to say, "You think something is wrong and you are RIGHT." When we mask things, hide things, tell kids to lie about the little things (which we all do at times) we are training them to become adults who do the same things. Then they get into unhealthy situations and relationships and we wonder why.
One thing that bugs the heck of me lately is when parents say, "Mommy and daddy just stopped loving each other. It has nothing to do with you." Well, very rarely is it that mommy and daddy just stopped loving each other. What you are teaching kids is that when I fall out of "love" with someone, divorce is fine. You are also not telling kids that there are real problems in marriage, and they get into marriage with unrealistic expectations. Now, I'm not a proponent for including kids into every dirty situation you have in a marriage. Not at all. But....when your actions affect the kids, like in divorce, I believe it's their right to know. Know the truth. Not know the truth with the offended parent's editorialized comments on the matter. Facts, truth, age appropriate and when the situation calls for it. Those are the things to consider.
I don't know why we, as women (or men, but mostly women) feel guilt about the choices our spouses make. We feel like it's our duty to keep that from our children, as if it's our fault if they find out. I believe that with infidelity today, it's the same as any other thing you cover up. It's on the abused party to keep the secret, not on the abuser to be responsible for their own actions. If I tell, I'm the bad guy, even though I didn't do anything wrong. And if I did do something wrong, I will own it. But that's the difference between people who are accountable for their actions and people who are not.
Yes, my daughter will learn the truth in time, even if I don't tell her. Or maybe, if I don't tell her, she might never know the exact truth. But she'll always know something was wrong. I could let her go through a series of failed relationships to find the truth she was missing in her childhood, or I could just be honest, be there to hear her, support her, tell something is wrong, and teach her that people make mistakes and also teach her about forgiveness. And I hope that this will help her not seek something out in an unhealthy relationship that she didn't get from a parent who was more willing to lie and cover up than just to be honest. What is the point of lying as parents, if not to cover up our own choices? When you live your life as though your actions affect your children, you DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOUR KIDS TO LIE OR JUSTIFY YOUR BAD CHOICES. If you make a mistake they find out about, own it. If you do something you shouldn't have done, be accountable. Just because you are the parent doesn't mean you are infallible, that you never make mistakes or that you are perfect. It's OK for your kids to know that. It will do them a favor in the long run to learn that lesson now, rather than when they are 38 and have been divorced twice and don't understand what it is they are looking for that they can't seem to find.
Unfortunately, for me, this also means teaching my daughter about forgiveness. Which means I have to have it myself. That's hard and that's where I am at right at his moment. But I will forgive both people who have wronged me and hope that the situation we are in will turn out good for all involved. Even if it doesn't, I still know I can hold my head high because my daughter will have learned a valuable lesson. More than anything, she wants to know I am not going to fall apart, even though bad things have happened. She will know her mother is honest. She will know that life has disappointments and she can get through them and they will not break her. The trick is teaching that but also encouraging her childish whimsy and enthusiasm.
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