It's no secret that I've lost a substantial amount of weight in the last year. The surprising part comes when I tell people how much weight I have lost. I am very fortunate to be as tall as I am because it hides weight gain well. Most people wouldn't believe how much I weighed last summer at this time...225 pounds. That is 9 pounds heavier than my heaviest pregnancy weight and the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
I'm not saying I was ugly, because I wasn't. But it wasn't me. I didn't feel like me, at all. I went through this period of working constantly, being this entreprenuer and I looked at myself in the mirror at night and thought, "I don't even recognize myself anymore." I remember going shopping one day and having to not only shop in the plus-size section, but I was into double XL clothes. In the middle of the store, I sobbed silently because nothing I was about to get was cute or represented who I was. I was severely depressed, not just about my weight but about my life and what my life was becoming by working all the time. I didn't realize just how heavy that weight was for my psyche and how much it affected my entire being.
The real defining moment was when Jason and I went to Six Flags alone one day to ride the big rides. I hadn't gotten into the rides that summer, I mainly just watched Avery on the tiny rides. As I squeezed myself into the seats, I realized just how big I had become because on rides like Batman where there is a leg indention for each one, the seat darn near cut off my circulation. The belt hurt so badly and the harness that strapped me in was barely fitting over me and was hurting me so bad I almost got off. On the plane to NYC, I could barely sit in the seat. I was humiliating, especially since I had a slim, trim husband who did 2 pushups and lost 10 pounds, yet kept complaining about how big he'd gotten.
I went to my doctor and he'd mentioned I start doing bloodwork because I was overweight and almost 40. My cholesterol was high, I couldn't get up and down very easy off the floor, my knees hurt all the time and everything I wore was so uncomfortable. I hated being in front of my husband because of how I looked. It was a very bad time.
I found out about a medication that I qualified for and began taking it in August. I began losing weight pretty quickly. I got an iWatch and started monitoring my heart rate while working out and started keeping track of my workouts. Of course, going through a divorce did expedite the weight loss process, especially with the amount of work I have been doing this year. But eventually, I got down 65 pounds and have stayed right around that for several months. I was back into large clothes, I was wearing shorts (which I hadn't done in years), my knees didn't hurt, I could cross my legs easily, I could get up and down easily. But most importantly - I started to look and feel like the "me" I knew.
I was smiling in my pictures again. I had self-confidence. My friends and family said, "That's the Jenna I remember." Not in a bad way - just in a "Yes, that's the aura and energy we remember from you" kind of way.
Today, I rode the Batman and I FIT. And it didn't hurt and I didn't feel like I was going to suffocate and die. It was glorious. I actually bought a two piece and I am hoping I'll be able to have the confidence to wear it on Avery and my cruise in August. It's been so long since I've worn one, and I just want to say I can.
I actually had an opportunity to teach my daughter the lovely lack of manners men have for women, when I stopped to get gas one day recently and leaned in from the back of my van to get something and some rude guys honked and whistled at me. Avery said, "Why did they do that, mom?" I said, "because some guys do that to tell you that you are pretty. But it's incredibly rude." And then secretly said to myself, "Well, that hasn't happened in several years" and gave myself an internal high five. #metoomovement....?
It feels good to feel good. Just thought I would share that tonight.
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