Skip to main content

Defeated.

I try hard not to allow stuff to get to me, not to allow myself to feel defeated. But today, today it was hard. I am not writing for encouraging words or for hope my words help someone else. I am writing for myself, just to write.
 
Today, I felt like I had failed so many people in my life. Not because of any one thing, just because. I feel like my attempts at making people happy are feeble and misplaced. I feel like I have tried to do everything and ended up doing nothing. I feel like I said yes to things I wanted to say no to and no to things I wanted to say yes to. I feel like I offended others, either with my words are actions. I feel like I've failed my kids with my bad attitude. In general, I just feel like a failure.
 
I don't always have it all figured out. I don't always do things the best way or even a good way. I don't always say the right thing, ask the right thing, have the right opinion, have the right attitude, do the right thing, or expect the right things. Sometimes, I fail people I love who expect more out of me than what I can give or what my heart allows me to give. Sometimes, I don't always pick the right gift or communicate the best. Sometimes, I have life figured out. Somedays, I don't. More often than not, I don't.
 
What I need to figure out is how, around Christmas especially, not to allow my plate to get too full, my budgets to be too big, my expectations of a perfect holiday spoil the holiday that actually happens. I need to figure out how to say "no" to my kids without feeling like I am ruining their Christmas. I need to figure out how to make everyone I know feel special by giving of my time without making other people feel like I am not. I need to feel like in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, that I still take time for myself and stop and enjoy a few free, unscheduled minutes of my very own, that allow me to reflect and remember what this holiday is supposed to be about. I need to figure out how to not feel like everyone is so disappointed in me and what I did or didn't do that I should or shouldn't have done. I don't know how to do all of this, but I need to learn.
 
Today, that's just how I feel. Defeated. Perhaps I just need a good night sleep. Or maybe, it will help someone else who is feeling the exact same way right now to know they aren't alone.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

That "Thing" in That Basket Isn't a Baby, You Know That, Right?

I have had the most horrible case of writer's block lately! With that said, I saw this article on Babycenter and I just had to write something about it.   So, we've heard of the trend of eating the placenta after birth . We've heard of the trend of putting them in pill form to get the nutrients . But this? This to me, is just the craziest of them all.   As a group of beings on this planet, I've never seen any other mammal who evolves to get to a certain place, then de-evolves on purpose, to be more "natural." I am sure I am seriously about to put my foot in my mouth, I am sure there are (some) people out there that I might offend with my "closed-mindedness" on this topic. But this is just, well, ridiculous to me.   Basically, after the placenta comes out, instead of cutting the cord and detaching it from the baby, you leave the placenta on, they salt it to help with the decomp process, add rosemary (I am guessing for the smell?), then p...
7 comments
Read more

What is Your Skin Care Regimen?

Since turning 34 this year, I've been really trying to make sure I am taking care of my skin. I have been using Cover Girl Liquid Powder for years, but it always seemed to break my neck out. And full disclosure, my face cleaning routine consisted of using Avery's baby wipes (which actually do remove eye makeup surprisingly well). So, needless to say, my skin didn't always look its best.   So, I received some gift cards for my birthday and I decided to go ahead and spring for some better products. First thing I did was get something designed to clean my face. I ordered the Olay ProX Microdermabrasion System.     This system came with the battery-operated scrubber with both a brush and foam pad, plus every day face wash and microdermabrasion wash to be used twice a week. I have really loved using this system. The beauty is that you can really use any face wash you'd like. I will probably buy a pore-reducing wash after the tube they sent me is empty. This syst...
1 comment
Read more

Why I am Pro Universal Healthcare and Changes to Our Healthcare System

Due to my recent proactivity with my credit and paying off debt, I decided to give the hospital a call where I was admitted about a month ago and ask about my bill. I wanted to make sure I didn't miss it in the mail and I wanted to get an idea of what I'd be paying for my stay. I get on the phone with the billing department and the woman is just as nice as can be, really. She was surprised I'd even called her, considering I didn't even have a bill yet. She told me she'd sent the bill over to my insurance to be approved and paid but they hadn't heard back yet. "Just out of curiosity," I asked, knowing I would be responsible for 20% of the final bill, "how much was it?" What I heard next shocked me.   "$61,000" she said.   I said, "$61,000? I was only in the hospital for a night and only on anti-biotics, you can't be serious! My daughter cost me less than a third of that to give birth to and I was in the hospital two nights!...
6 comments
Read more