Skip to main content

Defeated.

I try hard not to allow stuff to get to me, not to allow myself to feel defeated. But today, today it was hard. I am not writing for encouraging words or for hope my words help someone else. I am writing for myself, just to write.
 
Today, I felt like I had failed so many people in my life. Not because of any one thing, just because. I feel like my attempts at making people happy are feeble and misplaced. I feel like I have tried to do everything and ended up doing nothing. I feel like I said yes to things I wanted to say no to and no to things I wanted to say yes to. I feel like I offended others, either with my words are actions. I feel like I've failed my kids with my bad attitude. In general, I just feel like a failure.
 
I don't always have it all figured out. I don't always do things the best way or even a good way. I don't always say the right thing, ask the right thing, have the right opinion, have the right attitude, do the right thing, or expect the right things. Sometimes, I fail people I love who expect more out of me than what I can give or what my heart allows me to give. Sometimes, I don't always pick the right gift or communicate the best. Sometimes, I have life figured out. Somedays, I don't. More often than not, I don't.
 
What I need to figure out is how, around Christmas especially, not to allow my plate to get too full, my budgets to be too big, my expectations of a perfect holiday spoil the holiday that actually happens. I need to figure out how to say "no" to my kids without feeling like I am ruining their Christmas. I need to figure out how to make everyone I know feel special by giving of my time without making other people feel like I am not. I need to feel like in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, that I still take time for myself and stop and enjoy a few free, unscheduled minutes of my very own, that allow me to reflect and remember what this holiday is supposed to be about. I need to figure out how to not feel like everyone is so disappointed in me and what I did or didn't do that I should or shouldn't have done. I don't know how to do all of this, but I need to learn.
 
Today, that's just how I feel. Defeated. Perhaps I just need a good night sleep. Or maybe, it will help someone else who is feeling the exact same way right now to know they aren't alone.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Why I am Pro Universal Healthcare and Changes to Our Healthcare System

Due to my recent proactivity with my credit and paying off debt, I decided to give the hospital a call where I was admitted about a month ago and ask about my bill. I wanted to make sure I didn't miss it in the mail and I wanted to get an idea of what I'd be paying for my stay. I get on the phone with the billing department and the woman is just as nice as can be, really. She was surprised I'd even called her, considering I didn't even have a bill yet. She told me she'd sent the bill over to my insurance to be approved and paid but they hadn't heard back yet. "Just out of curiosity," I asked, knowing I would be responsible for 20% of the final bill, "how much was it?" What I heard next shocked me.   "$61,000" she said.   I said, "$61,000? I was only in the hospital for a night and only on anti-biotics, you can't be serious! My daughter cost me less than a third of that to give birth to and I was in the hospital two nights!...

Some Changes...

We've been going through a bit of a transition at the Whitehead household the last month or so. I haven't really talked too much about it because I wasn't ready, to be honest. It's just a lot of change and I've been trying to figure it out in my head.   As of three weeks ago last Friday, I am no longer a full time work out of home employee.   I can't believe I just said that.   It's been the plan for several months now for me to go into real estate and it was always assumed I'd be doing that part time, while keeping my full time job. Plans kind of changed when Jason got his promotion. He'd always has a job that allowed him a lot of flexibility. In sales, especially after you've been in a position for a while, it just sort of happens that way. He could take Avery to daycare and pick her up, he could take her to doctor's appointments, he could even do chores around the house in the afternoon, while I was at work. I had some flexibi...

That "Thing" in That Basket Isn't a Baby, You Know That, Right?

I have had the most horrible case of writer's block lately! With that said, I saw this article on Babycenter and I just had to write something about it.   So, we've heard of the trend of eating the placenta after birth . We've heard of the trend of putting them in pill form to get the nutrients . But this? This to me, is just the craziest of them all.   As a group of beings on this planet, I've never seen any other mammal who evolves to get to a certain place, then de-evolves on purpose, to be more "natural." I am sure I am seriously about to put my foot in my mouth, I am sure there are (some) people out there that I might offend with my "closed-mindedness" on this topic. But this is just, well, ridiculous to me.   Basically, after the placenta comes out, instead of cutting the cord and detaching it from the baby, you leave the placenta on, they salt it to help with the decomp process, add rosemary (I am guessing for the smell?), then p...