Defeated.

I try hard not to allow stuff to get to me, not to allow myself to feel defeated. But today, today it was hard. I am not writing for encouraging words or for hope my words help someone else. I am writing for myself, just to write.

 

Today, I felt like I had failed so many people in my life. Not because of any one thing, just because. I feel like my attempts at making people happy are feeble and misplaced. I feel like I have tried to do everything and ended up doing nothing. I feel like I said yes to things I wanted to say no to and no to things I wanted to say yes to. I feel like I offended others, either with my words are actions. I feel like I've failed my kids with my bad attitude. In general, I just feel like a failure.

 

I don't always have it all figured out. I don't always do things the best way or even a good way. I don't always say the right thing, ask the right thing, have the right opinion, have the right attitude, do the right thing, or expect the right things. Sometimes, I fail people I love who expect more out of me than what I can give or what my heart allows me to give. Sometimes, I don't always pick the right gift or communicate the best. Sometimes, I have life figured out. Somedays, I don't. More often than not, I don't.

 

What I need to figure out is how, around Christmas especially, not to allow my plate to get too full, my budgets to be too big, my expectations of a perfect holiday spoil the holiday that actually happens. I need to figure out how to say "no" to my kids without feeling like I am ruining their Christmas. I need to figure out how to make everyone I know feel special by giving of my time without making other people feel like I am not. I need to feel like in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, that I still take time for myself and stop and enjoy a few free, unscheduled minutes of my very own, that allow me to reflect and remember what this holiday is supposed to be about. I need to figure out how to not feel like everyone is so disappointed in me and what I did or didn't do that I should or shouldn't have done. I don't know how to do all of this, but I need to learn.

 

Today, that's just how I feel. Defeated. Perhaps I just need a good night sleep. Or maybe, it will help someone else who is feeling the exact same way right now to know they aren't alone.