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I have been struggling for a while now with some things in my life. Namely, finding a balance with weight control, exercising, eating healthy and time for myself. Ultimately, what I've decided it comes down to is just being lazy. I mean, lazy with no self-discipline or self-control and no plan.

When I watch shows like "my 600 pound life" or "The Biggest Loser" I always think, those people came to a fork in the road at some point in their lives where they could have gone one way with their lifestyle or another. I feel as though I am at that fork in my life.

I weigh 185 pounds. I am 15 pounds away from being 200 pounds. And I have no idea why I've let myself stay this way for so long. I've never been a person who has been OK being heavy. I always thought that I would never let myself get heavy. Maybe 185 is not that heavy to some people, but to me, it's the heaviest non-pregnant weight I've ever been and I am terrified about it. I have always been someone who can find the answers to problems and deal with it, but I am having alot of trouble finding the answers to a balance in my life with being a mom, being a wife, and being me.

As it goes, I have about 5 hours each day that does not include work. We get up at about 5:30, go to work by 7:30 (unless I take Avery, in which case I leave at about 6:45 each morning). I work from 8 - 5. Lunch time lately has consisted of running home and throwing dinner in the crock pot while catching lunch, I get home from work at about 5:30, unless I get Avery from daycare, which puts me home about 6:15. We have to get Avery fed, spend a small amount of time with her, bathe her and then she goes to sleep around 7:30. Doing all of this is a tag team effort from both Jason and myself, as one of us can't do all of this every single night. This leaves me from 7:30 to about 10:00 to do anything and everything else, which includes laundry, cleaning, dishes, time to relax, or any other activity I choose to throw in there. Two and a half hours each weekday. This does not include Thursdays, which is even more hectic because we have the kids or Fridays when we have the kids. We have the kids every other weekend, so date nights on those weekends are usually out, considering Jason wants to spend time with them. Our weekends consist of church, grocery shopping, catching up on cleaning, activities with the kids, which lately has increased with birthday parties and will start back up with basketball games for Jordan. I am not going to lie, it's not easy finding a balance when life is this busy all the time.

Throwing in exercising, when I already have trouble finding motivation to do much else than the required to maintain our family and home, seems completely impossible to me. There is something that will be sacrificed along the way for me to be able to do this. I look at working out as a sacrifice in my life, which is problem number one. Working out and being active are essential. I can feel my body just big and heavy, my joints and back hurt all the time. But, I just have no idea how I am going to find a routine and keep it going. Nothing about going to a track appeals to me. Doing stuff at my own house won't happen. I need to be held accountable and be a part of a group that I enjoy or else I won't do it. At least, not at first. What I need is to get into a habit and have a plan for my week.

Sometimes, I get so annoyed having plans for anything and everything in my life. Recently, Jason and I started budgeting and I feel like every dollar we have has a plan, which is good but it's also annoying. I hate having to have a plan for every minute of my life. Sometimes, I would just like to be able to come home and just sit and relax. I remember those times when I was single. Ah, the days of no responsibility.

So, no pictures today, just a rant of my life. Fun huh??


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