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Fortitude

Fortitude: Courage in pain or adversity


Yesterday was a day that Jason and I had really been looking forward to. There were a couple of big things that we were hoping were happen for our family. It turned out to be one of the top ten worst days of my life that I can remember.

I used to have bad days all the time. I really had no perspective about what a really bad day looked like, so small things could really hit me hard and before I knew it, I would be crying, throwing a huge fit, upset, just completely overreacting. I really don't have days like that much anymore.

After I had Avery, I started to realize that I had my health, my husband had his, and Avery was perfect. Things that I was going through weren't really that bad. And even though it was taking a long time to resolve, the things I was going through were temporary. I would live another day, eventually our situation would get better, so I stopped taking everything so hard and so seriously.

The hardest time I have in life, when my mind gets scrambled, when I stop being able to think clearly and rationally, is when I am tired. And I don't mean tired, I mean several nights in a row of horrible sleep, ending up in me being completely exhausted. Jason knows that this is when I need to hit my reset button. I am unable to handle whatever might be going on and get very overwhelmed, so I need a night of TV to get my mind off of whatever is going on and I full night's sleep.

Last night, on our way home, I just lost it. I just knew it was time to hit my reset button. So I came home, turned on Master Chef, ate some pot roast and birthday cake, took some Benadryl and fell asleep at about 930. When I woke up today, I did feel better. Although my eyes are puffy and my head still hurts, I know that today is a new day and it can be better than yesterday.

I don't know about you, but sometimes I find it very difficult to not just give up. I don't mean, give up altogether. I mean, say, what's the point of trying so hard? To think, why am I doing all of this? It is not getting better, I might as well just stop trying. But something in me just says keep going, eventually there will be a pay off for all of the things I am doing to make my life better. At this point, my main motivation is my husband and my daughter. I would love for our life to be one where we can have the things we need and the things we want without it being so hard. I know we have some making up to do for mistakes of the past, and I know those things took a long time to get bad so it's going to take a while to get better. Sometimes, I just get blindsided and it just takes the wind out of me. But I have to know that God has a plan for my life and at some point, things will truly start coming together.

My mom said last night that it is going to take alot of fortitude to get through all of this. That I have already shown so much perserverance, I just have to keep going. I like the word fortitude. I think it's a very powerful word and the meaning is just as powerful. I think there are many people in the world who show great fortitude. When I think of the word "fortitude," I think of the movie The Pursuit of Happyness. He just kept going, despite things and circumstances around him being so hopeless. Sometimes, we choose to keep going. Sometimes, we don't have a choice but to keep going. I think for me, it's a combination of both. I can't stop trying because I have a family who is counting on me. Jason doesn't quit, I can't quit. At some point, we will get through this. I just have to believe that.

But today, as the song says, I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.

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