Today is my last challenge of my 7 day challenge. My task is to Write A Story. I was almost completely done with this story today, my life story, to share. When I went to choir rehearsal tonight, we were asked to share our story of how we came to know Christ with the person next to us. After a few minutes, our director said the one thing he hears the most is that most people don't know how to witness or share God with others. He told us the easiest way to do it is "tell your story." Ok, God. I am listening.
I have always known Christ. I have been going to church since before I can remember and I accepted Him into my heart when I was around 7. I was a very active member of my youth group as a teen. But around 18, my senior year, I felt like I had lost Him. He completely stopped being the leader of my life and I started questioning a lot of my beliefs; I stopped going to church and didn't really want to be a part of making Christian decisions. I totally wanted to do what I wanted to do and not feel guilty. I put going out with my friends ahead of all other things, I lied about many parts of my life and dated guys that were not good for me. I even dated a guy who did not believe in God (that relationship almost devastated me completely). I spent my entire 20's feeling very lost, depressed, and out of control. The more I tried to control things, the worse they always tended to become. I had lost a lot of self-confidence along the way and I couldn't understand why I didn't have the things I thought I deserved, like a great career, a husband, and a family. I was mad at God. A lot. I remember always asking "why me? Why am I stuck here in this horrible place?" Don't get me wrong, my life was not all bad, especially not from the outside looking in. But internally, I was suffering a great deal. There were even a few times I felt like running away, thinking people in my life, my family, would be better off without me there. There were many times I remember feeling completely hopeless. I made mistakes that I could not forgive myself for, and carried around a lot of guilt, pain, and fear. I remember feeling very, very alone. A lot. And I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Looking back, I know. It was because God was letting me take the lead.
It wasn't like God wasn't there, I always knew He was there, even though I forcibly pushed Him away. He would tell me sometimes to be patient and to let Him take care of things, but I could never wait. I had to do things on my own, without His help. And man, did I make some huge messes! But looking bad, there were so many times (my parents can attest to this) that things couldn't have worked out so well for me. God was keeping me safe because He had plans for my life, and no matter what I was going to do, He was going to get me here, to this place. It was His plan.
At 29, I gave up. I remember the moment it happened, I was sitting in my living room and I said, "God, I am ready for a good guy, a guy who will be nice to me and give me the things I deserve. I leave it in your hands." I bet 3 weeks later, Jason showed up. And we have been together ever since.
The first time I had been back to church was with Jason and it felt like it was so right. I was with the kids and we would sing Jesus Loves Me, I got to be around Jason's Godly family and I let my Godly parents in to my life. I made family and God important. And it changed my life 100%! Honestly, I have had so many reasons since Jason and I have been together to be upset or angry with God's plan. We have had our impatient moments where instead of waiting on His timing, we wanted to do things on our own timing. God is very quick to tell us, "Hold on...." God has been convicting me of so many things, asking things of me that I am like, huh? But, I have tried to listen and do, even if I don't understand. And even though I don't understand, I feel more mentally together being "out of control" then being "in control."
I am doing my best to listen now before I do because Go has proved, time and time again, that He knows what He's doing, and yet I still continue to doubt. Why do we do that so much as humans? Anyway, that is my story, for better or for worse.
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