November 11 - The day our lives changed forever.
It was the day my husband decided he was not willing to continue in this marriage with me.
I will never forget that day as long as I live. It was the day my future was taken from me, the day I found out my husband wasn't who I thought he was and the day I had to start the inevitable journey that God was going to allow my marriage to fail.
As a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, and a confirmed believer in the covenant of marriage, I don't know that I can accurately describe the feeling of being left by a husband whom you thought felt the same way you did. Over our 9 years together, divorce was never an option, as far as I knew. We talked about marriage extensively, even teaching marriage Bible studies at our church. I watched as my husband counselled other husbands who were pondering divorce, and told them it wasn't worth it - stick it out, find out what's wrong and fix it, he would tell them. In my mind, a divorce was never something that would ever happen, and Jason told me time and time again, as well as telling the kids, that he would never get a divorce again.
As I looked at my stepkids, whom I loved as my own, it was never a question whether I would be by their sides on their wedding days, or that I would be a grandmother to their babies. I would watch them go through their teenage years and graduate high school. I would spend Christmas with them, I would celebrate their birthdays with them. And in one day, that future and that certainty was ripped from me.
I looked at my beautiful 7 year old daughter, who was celebrating her birthday the day he left, and I realized that there was a chance she would be a child of divorce, something I never thought she would ever have to learn to face.
My heart was broken. My faith was shaken. And I was completely unsure of what would happen next.
I spent the next couple of months in a state of shock and desperation. Surely, he would come home. Surely, he would come to his senses and realize all he was leaving behind. I begged God day after day to save my marriage, to bring my husband back to me. On February 21, I was served with divorce papers. And on March 27, as my 8th wedding anniversary came and went, I finally accepted that our marriage was destined to end.
I loved my husband - we had an amazing marriage. It certainly wasn't perfect - no marriage is - but we were certainly much happier than anything else. Everyone who knew us and knew of us together saw the love we had for one another. The shock of our impending divorce sent waves of uncertainty throughout their marriages - if it could happen to Jenna and Jason, it could happen to anyone, people thought. Our marriage was never one to be good on social media, bad behind closed doors. We were loving, caring, accepting and had fun together. He was my guy, the one God sent for me. We were it - a rock solid marriage. And yet - here we are.
I have racked my brain to come up with a reason our marriage is going to end. And the only thing I can accurately blame it on is one thing - sin. Sin is a bad, bad thing. Satan is a strong influence, the great deceiver, the thief who comes to kill and destroy. And when he has your marriage in his sights, he will stop at nothing to drive a wedge and to cause doubt and uncertainty. If you aren't right in your heart with God, Satan has power. And he knows at the exact moment of which to strike - and strike he did. I prayed for my husband night and day. I prayed for him, his salvation, his heart, his mind. But it wasn't in God's plan to save my marriage.
We are doing well. It's been an adjustment, but God certainly has Avery and I in His hands. There have been many blessings that have come from this situation, one of them being a relationship with my step-kids' mom. Six months down the line, I have an optimistic attitude about our future, and time has allowed (some) healing. I have better days than others. At times, I'm so angry about the situation. At others, I'm glad God allowed for this marriage to end when it did instead of 25 years later. I still have a bright future and life ahead of me, and that gives me great hope. I'm sad every day, as well as disappointed, in my husband's decisions. As I've told my daughter, even adults can make bad choices. Sometimes, those choices are more serious than others, but God always knows the future and will always take care of us.
I won't get into the details, mainly because I really don't understand a lot of what has happened myself. This wasn't something that had been stirring for a long time and a decision we made mutually. This was a decision made for me and one I had no choice in. It took me very much by surprise, and 6 months later, I am still confused and unsure of how this came to be. I am no victim, be assured. We had our issues, like everyone else does. I made mistakes as a wife, but so do all wives. I guess I just saw things long term, and my husband disagreed.
I will forever be grateful for the wonderful times we had, the vacations, the movie nights, the hundreds of moments. I will forever be grateful for the 3 best things I got out of this marriage - Jordan, Sophia and Avery. I will get to keep my dream home, the home I love, and because of my strong roots in real estate, I get to keep my career I've had. Even though things are crummy, they could certainly be much worse.
At this point, our marriage isn't officially over. We are working out the details. It's not been a great experience....I see things from a different point of view and realize the need people have for support during this time. It's certainly shown me areas in which I can help others going through the same thing. It's way too easy in this country to get a divorce. Christians should take some time and see how completely easy and painless it is for a person to walk away from a life long commitment of marriage and have absolutely no consequences. You don't even have to have both spouses permission. If your spouse decided to divorce you, and you don't legally object, you could be divorced in 60 days, with or without you being a part of it. It's pretty astonishing.
At any rate, I shared this because this blog has always been here to share my story. I started it the day I met the kids for the first time, and decided that this was a part of the story, and needed to be included. This blog isn't over and I will continue to share stories, this is just a new direction life is taking.
I will forever be grateful for the wonderful times we had, the vacations, the movie nights, the hundreds of moments. I will forever be grateful for the 3 best things I got out of this marriage - Jordan, Sophia and Avery. I will get to keep my dream home, the home I love, and because of my strong roots in real estate, I get to keep my career I've had. Even though things are crummy, they could certainly be much worse.
At this point, our marriage isn't officially over. We are working out the details. It's not been a great experience....I see things from a different point of view and realize the need people have for support during this time. It's certainly shown me areas in which I can help others going through the same thing. It's way too easy in this country to get a divorce. Christians should take some time and see how completely easy and painless it is for a person to walk away from a life long commitment of marriage and have absolutely no consequences. You don't even have to have both spouses permission. If your spouse decided to divorce you, and you don't legally object, you could be divorced in 60 days, with or without you being a part of it. It's pretty astonishing.
At any rate, I shared this because this blog has always been here to share my story. I started it the day I met the kids for the first time, and decided that this was a part of the story, and needed to be included. This blog isn't over and I will continue to share stories, this is just a new direction life is taking.
Comments