The outpouring of love and encouragement I've received today has been overwhelming. Thank you all for your kind words!
I wanted to share a little more of my journey here today, for those interested. I'm never going to publicly talk about the details of what happened, because I know that what happens on the internet stays on the internet, and there are things that my kids just don't need to see. So, I write everything, picturing them reading my posts as adults and how they would feel about what I said.
It's been incredibly important to me, during this journey, that I understood who the true enemy is, and that's Satan. And as much as Satan wanted my marriage, he also wanted me to crumble into a ball, be unproductive, cry everyday, be distraught, doubt my faith, be bitter and never trust again. Anyone who knows even a small inkling of who I am knows that is not who I am, nor who I will ever be. And I was never going to give that horrible being the satisfaction of destroying my marriage, but also destroying me. I get up, every day. I work, every day. I keep my house clean. I keep seeing my friends. I keep reading my Bible, going to church, and depending on God. That's how I have gotten to this point, and what will keep happening.
I think I read 45 books in the last 6 months. Some of them were great. Most of them were not. But the few that were good really encouraged me to look within and find the strength in myself through God.
One book I read talked about finding your spiritual gifts. I always knew I was resilient, but never thought of it as a spiritual gift. God gave me the gift of resilience. I'm like a bouncy ball - you can throw me down (or I might throw myself down lol) but I won't be down for long, I will always come bouncing back. I realized that resilience in me was always there - even before I started going through times that strengthened it. That's how I knew God had given me this gift long before I ever need to use it.
I have always been able to find the good in bad situations. My world is never "over," my life is never "destroyed." Nothing is ever that dire, because no matter the outcome, God will always use these bad situations, even my own bad choices, for His glory. I knew pretty early on in the least last 6 months that's exactly what God was expecting to do with me. I have the gift of communication and the gift of transparency. And I knew, eventually, sharing my story was what God was intending for my life.
It took me a while to get to a place of being able to say the words "My marriage is over." Furthermore, how was I going to explain to people what happened? I realized after a while that I didn't need to explain to anyone what happened. But I needed to find a way to tell people my marriage was over without breaking down into a teary ball. It took me months to get to that place. I couldn't be around a lot of people for weeks. I stopped going to my own church and started going to the churches of the small group of friends who knew what was going on. I told my pastor and his reaction was nothing short of encouraging and helpful - and he knew it was going to take some time, but I my church family would always be here when I was ready. It just took me some time to wrap my head around the reality and know that I could still tell people what was happening with my head held high. I also needed to be able to hear the "I'm so sorry" and the "Praying for you" without losing it altogether. Because I knew, with the people I know, that everyone who said those things really truly means them, and it's not easy to accept those emotions while you are emotional yourself.
I am a beautiful, capable, intelligent, problem-solving, resilient, strong, funny, loyal daughter of the King. And let me tell you - his provision throughout all of this is unmistakable. I don't just mean financial. In all aspects. It's actually awe-inspiring, just how much He's shown me, "Jenna, I got you."
I have a 7 year old daughter who looks up to me, who sees how I am responding to this. And I'll be darned if she's going to see a woman crumble into nothing because of something like this. She's my mini-me and just as strong as I am. As much as I feel so bad that she has to go through this, I know that God has her too. And you know what? Even during this experience, she's grown closer to God as well. I talk to her about her feelings, we talk about how choices affect our lives, we talk about how God answers prayers, but sometimes He doesn't answer them the way we want Him to. I've been open and honest, as much as is appropriate, so that she can not only see that God can provide strength when things like this happen, but also how we get through it. And that it's OK to be sad, angry, upset, happy....our feelings are important and they are OK, no matter what they are. That's the biggest thing she's learned. No matter what - how you feel is OK. It's what we do with our feelings that is important. She's going to be just fine. She and I have been on lots of great adventures and will continue to do so. It took us some time to get our new routine down, but she took to it like gangbusters. We both have our days. I support her, and if she sees I'm sad, she says, "Mom, do you want a hug?" and I tell her, "Avery, your hugs are miracles because they always make me feel better." And I look at that beautiful miracle and think, "If all of this happened just to get her, it was well worth it."
And when I have my breakdowns, which of course, I do, I have my core group that would never judge. I call them and tell them my feelings, no matter what they are, and they listen and encourage me, no matter what. They speak truth into my life and I listen, and they've helped me more than they will ever know. But ultimately, I make sure that the one person who knows how I am feeling is God. Even if He's the one I am mad at. He's the creator of the universe - He can take it. I cast my cares on Him, and He gives me a peace that passes all understanding, that even if I have no idea what is in my future, it's a future ordained by Him, and that's all I need to know.
Comments