After my last post, I received a lot of messages from women who had the same situation happen to them. I'm not going to lie - it makes me angry. It makes me angry how prevalent it's become in our culture for women, especially, to be left behind to deal with the aftermath of their spouse's selfishness. I don't even know if it's a culture thing or just a sin thing that's happened since the dawn of time, but I guess now that I've been through what I've been through, I see it all around me, in my personal relationships or online in support forums for divorced women, even in DivorceCare at the local church.
What makes me different, I think, is that I am willing to talk about my experiences honestly and without fear. It's humiliating to go through. Seriously humiliating. And no woman wants to admit that the man they chose to spend their life with would be capable of causing them such pain and anguish, much less bring kids into the mix. We want to cover up what our spouses did because it's too hard and too painful to admit.
The other thing I've encountered way too often is the idea that if a wife is upset about this, and she stays upset for longer than a week, she's bitter, angry and needs to get over it. I got this advice from people online and it infuriated me. We have gotten to the point in this culture that not only do we, as wives, have to deal with the emotional fallout of someone else's choices, but we have to get over it quickly, lest we be tagged the "scorn bitter woman who can't let it go." That makes me more sick than I can possibly tell you. No where in any conversation that I have seen or found online does it discuss accountability for the person who caused this pain. No where have I found that discusses accountability on the part of the injurer, mainly because you simply can't make a person care for the people he's injured, who cares more about himself than anyone else. So even trying to get them to have some responsibility is a lesson in futility that will cause more craziness on your end than the other person's. I get that. But it's ridiculous to me.
One thing I can do is give those women out there (and men, though it happens much less frequently) some encouragement that doesn't make you feel like a bigger failure than you already do.
1. The problem is not you. It's them.
I do not care what type of spouse you were, what you did, mistakes you made, things you would change or ways you thought you failed - none of it is an excuse to violate the sanctity of your wedding vows. No matter what your spouse says on the way out the door - you could not have done anything differently that would have changed the outcome of the situation. When a person is willing to betray their spouse in the most humiliating and disrespectful way possible, it is their own cowardice and flaws. Not yours. You couldn't have been pretty enough, given them more sex, paid more attention, been thin enough, nothing would have stopped them from doing what they did. Anyone who leaves their spouse this way, especially when they have kids together, has issues that no amount of Bible study and Dr. Phil can fix. So do not, for one moment, blame yourself for what happened to you.
I would consider myself a catch. Seriously. I am tall blonde and pretty, I make my own living, I am capable and smart, I am well liked and respected and I do the right thing as best I can. And my husband left me. That says more about him and his issues than it does about me.
2. Being upset is your right - and you should stay that way as long as it takes you to heal.
Do not let anyone tell you that you are bitter, angry, scorned, or otherwise. What happened to you sucks. It was hard and it hurt like hell. As long as you aren't violating laws and threatening bodily harm, then be upset. Don't rush yourself through your healing because you feel like you should "be over it by now." My gosh, if I see one more woman give that advice to another woman, "Sounds like you are bitter..." I might scream. I am, what, 10 months in? As I was going through the divorce process and shock portion of grief simultaenously, I was told numerous times, "Wow, sounds like you need to get over it." I know women say this to other women because they felt like they stayed mad about their situation too long and wasted time and don't want to see another woman waste their time too. But it's the worst advice ever.
3. Do not let yourself be manipulated.
Guess what - nothing that comes out of your spouse's mouth that is mean and hateful for you, in the midst of dealing with this situation, has anything to do with you. Sin tries to breed. Satan tries to suck more people into the shame vortex. And people who have done wrong don't want to believe they have done wrong, so they will do anything they can to make their ex-spouse feel just as badly as they do every night to make themselves feel better. I was manipulated far too long before I realized it. Gaslighting, scapegoating - you name it, I heard it. Don't get sucked in. Liars lie, and until they begin showing remorse, assume everything mean thing that is said to you is just their own way of getting your goat, so to speak. You know the truth of your situation - if what they did was wrong, it was wrong, period. Don't let them suck you in.
4. It's not your job to carry their humiliation of what they did.
Listen - they made their choices. It's not your job to be responsible for those choices. Now - careful what you do and say, especially if you have kids. But if they suck their kids into that situation, there's not much you can do except be open and honest. But it's not your humiliation to bear, it's theirs. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time - words to live by. So often, we feel responsible to hold in the humiliation of the betrayal because either we don't want people to feel sorry for us or because we don't want everyone we know to hate our spouse. I got over that real quick. You did what you did. It's your choice, not mine. I did nothing to be humiliated for, so why should I carry their shame?
Not only this - but in my situation, it was pretty brazen, what was presented to the kids. Did I want my daughter to know what happened? No. But he made it impossible for her not to find out. When I told Avery why we divorced, I didn't tell her we "mutually decided not to be together."We raised our daughter since conception that we don't get divorced, we stay together and work out our problems. I am not going to lie to my child when my spouse decided to do what he did and then thrust it in her life for her to deal with. I am going to realize she is 7, be honest with her as is appropriate for her age, and tell her that even though dad chose to leave me, he didn't choose to leave her. But I will not accept responsibility for his actions and I will not act like divorce is an OK thing we all just do. He will have to deal with that, on his own, when the time comes.
5. Don't let one moron's mistake prevent you from loving again.
I say this first - you must figure out what caused you to be with an unhealthy person in the first place. You must heal properly so that your next relationship can be solid and not simply a repeat of the first failed relationship. But not all men are cowards. Not all men lie. There are good ones out there and you deserve to find one. You are worth love. You are worth so much. You are worth a good, healthy relationship. Just because one relationship ended in a bad way doesn't mean the next has to.
Above all, I want you you to know that you are smart, beautiful, strong, capable and worth it. This doesn't have to define who you are. It's not going to define me. I know what I am worth and so should you.
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