There are times in all of this when it can become very tempting to allow the enemy to pull you over to the dark side. When someone else continues to make poor choices that are downright disrespectful and wrong - someone that you trusted with your heart, someone you trust to raise your child with you - it can be maddening and frustrating to watch. You want them to be different, and change, and see the error of their ways, but they just don't. They do hurtful things and cause pain, yet it doesn't seem to bother them. You don't see remorse, you just see more bad choices.
There are so many times, and I'm sure will continue to be so many more, where I flirt with the line between anger and bitterness. I am constantly having to let things go. There are constantly things that are being done that are having to be forgiven and moved on from. It seems that it's a neverending battle in my heart and my mind, that say, "You have every reason in the world to be upset. But if you spend your time being upset, it will only devour you." That's the constant turmoil I am in - the unfairness of feeling righteous anger and hurt while simultaneously knowing that anger and hurt can overtake my life, if not always checked.
It bothered me for a long time with friends or my counselor would remind me that I had no control over what Jason was doing, but I could control what I was doing. "You can't make someone do something they don't want to do." It's not fair, I would think!! I was so frustrated when people would tell me at some point, I was just going to have to accept what was happening, move on and let it go. I was frustrated that they would tell me I had no control over someone else's actions, and ultimately, he doesn't care what I was feeling about it, anyway. I wanted to hold on to my righteous anger, like some sort of security blanket. I didn't want to let it go. He needs to be accountable, I would think. He needs to know what he is doing is wrong and I won't stop until he does.
At some point in all of this, it became obvious that the anger was going away. Anger about the betrayal and the abandonment, and about the end of my marriage. I stopped feeling sad about what I had lost, and I realized that things really were going to be OK. Each day brings new challenges and hurts, but while I can be upset about something that happens, I'm getting to the point where a roll of the eyes and a check of the boundaries is all it takes, then I can move on to the next part of my day. I am grateful because I have people who continue to remind me not to let it get me down, and who remind me that I am better than these things and that being upset about it only wastes my time and energy.
I've figured out that true strength really isn't about what you can take - it's about what you can let go. What do they say in recovery - "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." This is so true - and it has served me well. You can be upset with someone else's choices until the cows come home...be mad that their life has gone on, seemingly without consequences, and constantly be worried about what they are and aren't doing. But all that does is keep you stuck in this place and keeps your energy focused on something else besides moving forward.
Moving forward doesn't mean you are saying what the other person did or does is OK. It doesn't mean that you are accepting their actions or condoning them. It doesn't mean that you don't still have the right to be upset about it from time to time. It just means that you are going to go on living a fruitful and productive life, despite the choices another person is making. I also started getting tired of the energy I was putting into the emotions I was feeling about things. There is only a finite amount of energy you have inside of you each day, and a finite amount of hours. After a while, I just started paying attention to how much of each I was investing in being mad, and ultimately, investing myself into a one-sided situation. I was spending hours each day investing thoughts and feelings - hours I was not investing in thinking about the future, career goals, recovering, friendships, family, etc. Who wants to do that? Not me.
This doesn't mean there aren't boundaries of behavior, especially not when you are raising a child with someone else. It doesn't mean accepting everything someone does and never expecting responsibility and accountability. It just means not spending all day long stewing over it. It also means that you are turning the situation over to God to handle, so that you can move on to other things.
If there is something you've been holding on to that's keeping you from moving forward in your life, let it go and let God take it over.
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