Today was a day I had been dreading since we scheduled it: mediation. There were a few things we couldn't agree on and mediation was decided. Since we are finished with that process, I wanted to share a little about the process I've gone through in the last couple of days.
I've been very angry these past 7 months. Well, truthfully, I've been a lot of things. Sometimes, I have been 7 different things in one day, just depending on what was going on. I've been seeing a counselor to sort out my feelings and to make sure I didn't go completely crazy. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to feel every feeling as it came to me. I was able to identify emotions and mental patterns as those emotions came and went. As difficult as this process has been, I have to be thankful for this part of it, because it has truly given me such insight into myself, and has allowed me to be more in control of reactions, but also more in tune with myself. This might surprise many of you (said with sarcasm) but I have a tendency to "fight through the pain" and make myself feel weak for being a total mess that day. "Strong women don't have break downs!!" Every once in a while, I would make myself feel guilty for not being stronger, then would have some perspective and say, "Jenna, you are losing the most important thing in your life. It sucks. It's OK to be sad/angry/frustrated." I had to remind myself of that quite often in the beginning of this, but now, 7 months later, I give myself complete permission to be any emotion I feel that day. The trick is controlling your reaction and to know which friends you can turn to and be a crazy wreck, and who won't judge you, but just listen and say, "No girl, it's OK that it's 1 am.....I had a long night's sleep last night. You just keep talking," (Reagen - I am talking to you, my rock.)
Last week, I felt myself getting tired of being angry. It was a slow process, actually. Just little glimpses here and there, where my mind would say, "Jenna, are you really angry? Or do you just think you should be angry?" But as long as I was angry, I was going to be angry and not make myself feel badly for it. This weekend, though, being angry just started to feel wrong. I don't want to get in to our situation in too much detail, but I had every reason to be angry. But this weekend, I just thought, "I'm kind of tired of this - it's boring. And I'm ready to move on to the next thing."
Now, that's not to say next week, a bout of anger won't come on suddenly. Grief happens that way, after all. But I think for the most part, the anger has left the building. So has the sadness. Right now, I think I have moved into the "acceptance" portion of our grief program. I knew this when I was at mediation today, and after Jason and I had an exchange yesterday that wasn't awful.
This weekend God spoke so clearly to me, that I had to stop singing during worship during church to write down what I felt God was telling me. This was exactly what I wrote..."Jenna - I got this. Trust me. I will take care of you. I will take care of Avery. I have your future, and you can trust me." There, in the middle of church, I had this sense of overwhelming peace. I knew it was God's presence, the Holy Spirit washing over me, releasing me from the worst of these things. It felt amazing.
I left church on Mother's Day, to take Avery to Brooke's, and I couldn't take my eyes off my daughter. I would glance in the rear view to look at her on the trip down, dancing and singing to the music. I watched her as we got there, loving her family and swimming. I listened to her that night read me chapter books and doing our "Mom and Me" journal and I felt SO blessed, and so in love with my daughter, that my attitude towards the situation changed instantly. How could I continue to be angry? After all, he gave me the most beautiful little girl there ever was.
"Whatever you do Tuesday, Jenna, do for her."
And I did. In every aspect of this having to do with her welfare, I compromised (something I am terrible at) so that she could see her dad more, and so that we could both be in her life. I let go of the anger that kept me from wanting her to be apart from me, and kept being reminded of God's promise He made "I got this Jenna - really I do." And for her benefit, Jason and I were able to reach a great agreement that allows her flexibility and access to both of her parents. I got home and hugged her so tight and told her, "Do you have any idea how much I love you? Cause it's soooo much!" And I told her about how things would be changing and how much more she'd be able to see her dad. And she told me how much she loved me (something she does all the time) and how much she missed me today. We came home, and she's in my bed, asleep with her mouth slightly agape, dreaming of happy things, I hope. I don't feel like I gave anything away. I don't feel jipped. I feel incredible, like I have seen just how much I would do for her happiness, and that she has a mother, who she can look back on, who cared for her feelings more than her own. And who didn't hold onto bitterness that affected both of their lives negatively.
As far as me personally, I see the world as my oyster right now. Do I wish my marriage ended? Absolutely not. Would I have rather we worked out our problems and stayed together? Absolutely. But since I didn't have a choice for those things, I have been faced with two new choices: stay stuck or move forward. I am choosing the latter and am happy about my ability to do so. It's not about what happens to us in life, it's about how we choose to handle it. That is so true. I'm not worried about him anymore and what his future looks like...I am focusing on me and what opportunities await around the horizon. Thank you God, for that promise.
This little girl - She and I are going places together. We are going to be just fine.
This little girl - She and I are going places together. We are going to be just fine.
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