I am going to write on something I feel pretty passionate about. Struggling. As a Christian, I hear this term a lot, in Bible studies and in conversations. I see it on Facebook and hear it from people on TV.
"I struggle with being bossy."
"I struggle with cleaning."
"I struggle in controlling people."
"I struggle with being nice."
"I struggle with yelling."
Any of these sound familiar? Do you have a "struggle" that you deal with on a daily basis and have had your whole life? I know I do.
The term struggle is defined as the following: 1) make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or construction (physical bondage) 2) Strive to achieve or attain something in the face of difficulty or resistance (Such as a goal) 3) Have difficulty handling or coping with (possibly the death of a loved one).
Struggling has become a term, used mostly by women, that tells the world of a problem they have. In the above examples, struggling is used to identify a trait or action of theirs that they find unappealing. (A few of those might just be MINE). I hear this term used often in Bible studies, where a group of women are discussing issues they have in their lives, in reference to traits or actions they have identified as problems or concerns. The word struggle is a verb, which means it is an action word. To struggle means that you are physically, mentally or emotionally trying to become free while in the face of something keeping you in bondage, either literally or figuratively. The word struggle implies that you are actively working on breaking free, with the goal of being rid of that bondage.
Is that how we use that word? Not usually. Let's take those above examples and rewrite them....
"I am bossy."
"I am messy."
"I am controlling."
"I am unkind."
"I yell."
When we say we "struggle," it's another way of saying, "I know I have this issue that is unappealing. Instead of owning it, confessing it and doing something about it (or repenting), I acknowledge it's there, but I am actually doing nothing to change. But I want you to know I know it's there, and I want you to think I am doing something about it." We use the word as a way to excuse behavior that we know is bad, but that we aren't doing anything to change. Would you agree?
Usually, these traits or actions are something we've identified and known about our entire lives. It has probably caused conflict in our homes or in our relationships. We may have had arguments with our spouses about these things in us that have caused our spouse pain. We know it's there, inside of us, and that we should work on changing it. But we don't. When you've known about something in you that's been there your whole life, that has caused issues, yet here we are, 10, 20, 40 years later, still displaying the same behavior, are you really struggling? Or is saying it's a struggle really an excuse to make ourselves feel better?
The reason I bring up Bible studies is because as a believer in the Lord, when you have a "struggle" with something like this, it's actually a conviction of a sin that is preventing you from fulfilling your full purpose in God. That nagging feeling you have, when you are yelling at your kids or spouse for the 1000th time, while simultaneously feeling guilty and wondering what you are so angry about. You leave that exchange feeling ugly, shameful and worried something might really be wrong with you. Maybe you don't leave that exchange with those thoughts, but your spouse tells you later, for the 1000th time, that you've hurt their feelings by yelling and why do you always have to be so mad? And you know you yell, but you don't know why. You don't confess it to the Lord and give it up to Him. You don't stop your behavior. You don't seek to understand where the yelling comes from and why you do it, even when you don't want to. You don't seek help from resources or other people to find tools to help you change.
It's "who you are."
It's "how you've always been."
You "can't control it."
It's "just how you react to things and your family should just understand and accept you
for who you are."
I yell "because the kids won't clean, my spouse won't help, the car on the highway won't move out of my way, the dog won't stop jumping, the bill collector won't listen and my phone isn't working when I want it to. Aren't I allowed to be frustrated? Aren't I entitled to my opinions and feelings? If everyone would just do what I want them to do, I wouldn't have to yell!"
I'm using the word yelling because I have found myself loud, on occasion. But this can be anything - "I am bossy because no one else knows how to do anything." "I don't clean because I don't have time and no one helps me." "I control because if I don't, things will fall apart." "I am unkind because people aren't nice to me!"
However - we expect other people to address their unappealing traits when it causes us pain. Imagine you have told your 10 year old child to clean up his mess in the middle of the living room floor, and he says to you, "Mom, you've known I have always been messy. It's something I struggle with every day. It's how I've always been. I can't do anything about it. You guys should just accept me for who I am. Maybe if you'd just learn to live around the messes I leave, you'd all be much happier. Just accept that I am this way, and I am just going to leave this mess in the middle of the floor." Hmmm. Would you say, "Good point son! I'll take care of that mess for you, or we'll just leave it there." No, you would not. You would say, "That's nonsense. Clean up your mess."
But don't we do this every day, with our "struggles?" Identify, justify, excuse, deflect accountability, place blame on others and keep doing whatever it is we are doing that's causing internal conflict? Think back on how much you've thought about the thing you've "struggled" with. How many mental hours you've spent feeling bad about an episode you just had with someone. How many arguments you've had with others because of your behavior that have lasted hours. How much thoughtful energy you've spent beating yourself up for "how you are." How much dignity and self-respect you've cost yourself because you know you want to be different, but can't seem to do it.
What if you actually spent that time struggling to break free, and actually did it? What could you do with that mental energy? With all that time you save by not arguing? How much dignity and accomplishment could you gain by no longer having that "struggle" controlling your life? How would you feel to no longer be identified as the bossy one, the messy one, the controlling one, the mean one or the yeller? What kind of testimony could you have if you actually were an overcomer and took control over this "struggle" instead of allowing this struggle to control you?
Take my word on this - if you have been "struggling," it's God trying to get your attention. If you don't deal with this sin in your life and give it up, and find a different way to be or behave, it will become this festering "thing" that could cause catastrophic and painful consequences in your life. It will affect your family and others around you, and probably already has. Do we all make mistakes? Of course. Are we all sinners? Absolutely. Do we have have struggles we have every day? Yes. What I am suggesting isn't that you become perfect and never make another mistake again. I am suggesting that you confront that issue and actually struggle to break free from it.
Understanding who we are, accepting what we do and changing our behavior is hard work. It's painful. It can bring up old wounds that cause difficult feelings. It means we have to change our habits and our way of coping with those around us. It means admitting that what we've done has caused people pain, including ourselves. It means finding ways to handle ourselves that are against our instincts and natural tendencies. It means being thoughtful about what our actions do to those around us and showing respect to them by altering our actions that are hurtful.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? An alcoholic is confronted with the pain of his "struggle" every day of his life. We know his behavior is unhealthy, unsafe and unsavory. We know his addiction has caused pain to others. We can all clearly tell an alcoholic to stop drinking and expect him to stop for the good of himself and others. I wish there was a Yellers Anonymous, a Controllers Anonymous, or a Mean People Anonymous. Maybe then we would see that anything anyone does that is a sin and that causes conflict within families and disrupts our relationship with God is serious and needs to be addressed. All too often, we excuse certain behaviors because they don't seem as bad as others. "So I'm bossy - is that really the worst thing I could be?" An alcoholic in an AA meeting has to own his behavior, share his specific experiences of struggle with others and actively spend his day finding ways to cope with the reasons he turned to alcohol in the first place. There is more honesty and humility in an AA meeting than there sometimes is in a Bible study! I wish we all had to go through the 12 steps as a required plan at least once in our lives!
I am telling you all of this because in this last year of my life, all of my struggles that I've ignored and allowed to control me have come to the surface and it's been one of the hardest years of my life. God had to beat me over the head with a vengeance to finally get my attention. Sometimes pain is the only way God can get through our stubborn hearts and heads. But it doesn't have to be that way, if we would only do what the Bible has asked us to do, which is listen to God and act on what He's asking us to do.
What will it take for you to conquer that "struggle" in your life? What will you have to lose? What will you have to experience? I urge you - if there is something that God has asked you to do, do it. Don't wait for you to have no other choice. I promise - there is freedom in this. There is self-respect. There is strength. It will be hard, but it is so worth it!
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