How Are The Kids?

The biggest question I get asked is how the kids are handling everything. I will say that the older two are probably having a harder time with this than Avery is. This is their second divorce to go through of their father's, so there are some feelings with everything. We get to see each other now, it was rocky there for a few months. But now, I get to see them again and I know they really love being able to see me. The same thing goes for me.

As far as Avery goes, the kind of crummy yet kind-of-silver-lining part of this is that her sister and brother are the children of divorced parents, so this whole thing isn't foreign to her. Should a child be familiar with divorce like she is? No. However, it has helped her transition through this a little better than I think she would have otherwise. Visiting dad on certain days isn't a new concept to her. She knows when she goes and sees him because it's when her brother and sister see him, and she's used to that schedule. I am very glad her sister and brother are there because I think it's been a lot easier on her. It's been easier on me, too. With Jordan and Sophia, I have two teenagers who love their sister and who look out for her. So, from that aspect, it's been good.

In the beginning, and for several months after he left, it wasn't the easiest thing in the world. Jason was very involved in the nighttime bedtime ritual. That took a little time to revamp. For a while, she just slept with me because she was scared I would leave, too. That broke my heart for weeks. She would go get in bed and for 30 minutes would call out for me to make sure I was still here. After a while, she and I found our own routine and then she transitioned back into her own bed. I did finally get her a new, cool bed and that really helped with changing things up a bit. 

I tried to make sure that she and I were talking as much as she needed to and that I was addressing all of her feelings. We started a mommy and me journal and began doing that each night together, which really helped with this. I highly suggest that anyone going through a divorce find a journal like this for your son or daughter, age appropriate, and begin doing this each night. There are tons out there on Amazon. You might never discuss the divorce, but what it does is create a new bond and a new routine for you and your child that leads to discussion. I started counseling, and so did she. She knows that counseling is there just for her - that she gets to go and talk about whatever she wants. I set this up through Children First in Grand Prairie, and luckily, because of the grant they get through the city and fundraisers, it costs me nothing. So, she gets access to a licensed counselor in "play therapy." She goes and plays - if she talks about the divorce? Great. If she doesn't? That's fine too. But she knows that hour is there JUST for her, and she can do whatever she wants to with it. She knows mom has her time too, and that these types of settings help us to talk about our feelings. 

It's been very, very important to me to not only listen to her feelings, but validate them. When she asks me why things are happening this way, or why daddy left, or anything else that comes up, I never tell her we don't need to talk about it right now, or anything that makes her feel like she can't share with me questions she has. There have been things that have happened, choices Jason has made in all of this, that are against what we believe in as Christians. The hard part is figuring out the line with kids on not lying to them, but also not making them feel like certain choices are OK. I began telling her that adults can make bad choices to. "You know in school when you choose to talk and you get on yellow?" I would say to her. "Well, sometimes adults make choices that aren't good, too, and those choices have consequences. When you talk, you get on yellow. When you are an adult, there are still consequences. It doesn't mean we don't love each other, even if we've made bad choices. It just means that sometimes daddies and mommies make bad choices, too." 

I made the decision very early on that I will not lie to my child, but I will also not include her in anything that is adult situations. That's been very hard - and I had to decide how to do that. Jason suggested in the beginning that we say, "Mom and dad just can't get along, so we decided it was best to not be married anymore." That wasn't the truth. Not only that, but it sets her up for the expectation that if we could only get along, we wouldn't be getting a divorce. I do believe in certain situations, when you are the spouse the decides to leave the marriage and it was not a mutually agreed upon decision, that choice is yours to bare. So, I don't condemn him. But when she asked why we are getting a divorce, I will tell her it's because daddy decided he didn't want to stay married to me anymore. He still loves me because I am your mom, and he will always love you because you are his daughter.

This might not be something others agree to, but you you have to understand - this wasn't something Avery saw coming, either. She didn't have parents who fought and fought and fought constantly. She had parents who always said they will always be together. I think part of the problem with divorce in this country is that people seem to think that neither spouse needs to be responsible to their actions to their children, that it needs to be mutual in the best interest of the kids. I don't agree with this in all situations, however, you can tell the truth without berating the other parent to the child.

The biggest thing that I've had to see is that no matter what Jason is/was doing, Avery has a very strong and very resilient mother, and because of that, has been a strong and resilient child. I'm not saying that to toot my own horn but it's the truth. There are so many things I do just because I know I have two little eyes watching me. When I have had sad days, I just share them with her. I'm careful not to put her in the position of making me feel better, but just so she knows that moms can be sad too, and that dad not being here makes me sad sometimes. When I have bad days and am impatient, I tell her, "I'm so sorry Avery. I've had a rough day, but I will be better." Those rough days have been few and far between, because most of the time her optimistic and positive attitude rubs off on me and I think, if my 7 year old can be this sunny, can't I be too?

She sees that my worth wasn't determined by how another person felt about me. I am still productive, I still get up and do what I need to do, and am thriving. That's not to say it's OK not to have stretches where functioning at the basic level isn't the hardest thing in the world, because everyone handles grief completely differently. But for me, I made a choice that no matter how I felt that day, I was going to put in my 100% for my kiddo. And then have my nervous breakdowns with my friends later, after she went to bed. Lol. It makes me so proud that she constantly sees people commend me, and that I have put her around so many people who support us and who love on us. She tells people all the time, "This is my mom! She built a pool in our backyard." I just cannot tell you how that makes me feel. I mean, you guys out there make me feel good. My daughter being proud of me makes me SOAR.

Divorce absolutely stinks. It's not a choice I would wish on anyone. But I've tried to make lemonade out of lemons here, and my daughter has followed suit. She is just the coolest 7 year old kid in the world, in my humble opinion. And these are just the coolest 13 and 16 year olds on the planet, as well.