One thing I have learned a great deal about in the last couple of years is how to go from a single girl to a wife to a mother without completely losing your identity. It is sometimes a lot harder than one might think! I think these transition periods in a woman's life come several times in her time on this earth. My first real transition period was when I turned 25. I felt older and I had to learn how to feel ok with my body, as it didn't look as it did when I was 21 and it stopped being easy to get back into shape. I had to learn to be more of an adult. It took a little bit of time to adjust to my age and just when I got used to being a single, twenty something woman, three things happened. 1) I became a wife 2 ) I turned 30 3) I became a mother. All in the same 12 month period!! It took me a while to start wrapping my mind around what all of those things truly meant and what they meant to me. I read a lot of blogs and articles about how women navigated through, but ultimately, when I came down to it, I had to decide how and to what degree these changes would affect my life. Here is what I've learned about getting your identity back after life changes and how to feel like yourself again!
1) Don't completely let go of the person you used to be. One of the hardest things I had to do was grieve the loss of my single self. As much as I was looking forward to the next phase, I was sad to see the previous "me" go. We had some good times together!! It wasn't the dating I missed, it was being able to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it (for those who are interested, I wrote a blog about the 5 things I would miss the most about being single and you can read it here). It was knowing who I was and being able to change any time without having to involve anyone else. I guess, in one word, I missed the freedom. When I became a mother, it rocked my world! I felt I had to give up all the fun I had without her and become a boring mom whose life was just about her. It has been a joke in my family, all of the wild and crazy escapades I've had in my 20's. One day, before Avery came along, my dad and I were talking about how much my life has changed. I will never forget what he told me..."Jenna, even though your life has to change somewhat when you become a parent, don't become one of those boring women who has no life. Still keep that fun side about you!" I think those words really changed my perspective on how much I should change. I think I had to change some thought processes, I had to give up a lot of selfish ways, I have to be more fiscally responsible, etc. But I am really starting know how to be Jenna who is married, not just Jason's wife. I am starting to be Jenna who has a child rather than Avery's mom. And I think that will help me to be the best wife and mother I can be.
2) Don't let one role define you more than the other long term. I have four real roles: Jenna, the person, Jenna, the wife, Jenna, the worker, and Jenna, the mother. The most important role is my role as Christian, but that must be there always. The next important role is being a wife. However, I don't ever let Jenna the person get lost in the shuffle of being a wife. I still need "Jenna" time without my husband. I don't want to start to feel like I sacrificed who I am to be a wife; I will start feeling resentful. I also don't want my whole identity to be tied up in my child. I love her more than life itself, don't get me wrong, but I still have friends and a husband that I want to keep too. Besides these four main roles, there is Jenna the daughter, Jenna the friend, and on and one. Striking a balance can sometimes take some time, but it can be done.
3) Be selfish sometimes. This is the hardest for any woman to do, but its so necessary. I don't want to feel like every minute I have goes to someone else, every dollar I make goes to my family, or that all I do is give without taking for me. The hardest time I have with this is money. I used to spend money on getting my hair done, my nails done, pedicures, shopping, and other stuff I wanted. When we started going through our money challenges (I.e. Not having any!) I sacrificed all of my upkeep items for the good of the family. That's ok for a while, but when none of your clothes fit, you hair is two different colors and not in a good way, and it just lays there and does nothing, and you never do anything you want to do, there has to be some sort of compromise. It helps when your husband supports this and luckily mine does!! Even though we might be broke, I got tired of looking broke and feeling broke. I got tired of not caring what I looked like and feeling like all of the beauty I had just went away, especially after having a baby. So, I started spending a little here and there on myself (a very little, but still more than nothing!) and I am starting to enjoy looking in the mirror again! Those little things can mean so much in the long run.
4) Don't forget about your own hopes and dreams. Having a child or getting married were never dreams of mine (ironically). They were just an added bonus to my life. But my hopes and dreams were put on hold for a while. This year, I told myself I was going to do some things I had always dreamt about doing. So far, those two things are writing on a regular basis and joining the church choir. I have many more and remember those things every day. Those things are just for me, no one else. I love being challenged in that way and achieving things I set out to achieve.
5) Don't forget to talk with your partner or a friend if you are feeling down or going through a phase. You don't want to one day wake up feeling like your life isn't what you wanted or that you have no clue who you are anymore and then blindside the people who matter the most in your life. I find that talking to my husband has really helped me know how to feel better and he really helps me get through times when I am just, blah. It also surprises me how supportive he always is and how he is always asking what he can do. "Do I need to watch the baby so you can go out with friends?" "Do you need to sleep in today, I will get up and do our morning routine!" "How can I help you get to where you want to be in your career?" I love that he is so supportive of me. I also know he truly knew who I was before we got married and doesn't want me to change completely!!
With a little work, and some mental adjustments, you can better manage all of the roles in your life and keep your identity in the process!
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