When the end of a relationship comes suddenly, it can leave so much confusion. At least, that's how I have felt. There has been so much to process in all of this, even more than I have shared on my blog or with others. The surprising thing, more than anything, is that I don't know where my friend went. Not just my husband, but my best friend. One day, he was there. The next day, he was just gone.
My husband was my best friend. I could tell him anything - and he always understood, was always supportive and always accepted me. He loved me, genuinely loved me. Then one day, that stopped. The husband I knew was gone and I haven't seen him since. I realized yesterday a part of this that has made this so hard - I'm not just grieving the loss of my marriage, but I feel like I'm grieving the death of the husband I knew. And it's like the most antagonizing death there can be, because the person's body is still alive, but the mind inside of it has changed. At least, has changed towards me. It took me several months before I realized that I wasn't talking to a man who loved me anymore. That's how I communicated in the beginning, like I was talking to my friend that I knew. But I realized that the rules had changed. I was speaking as his wife, to my husband. He was hearing me as the woman who just wouldn't get the hint.
Those closest to me know that the truth is that I haven't handled this very well, not all the time. I know it might seem like, on my blog, that I have just risen up with strength and class, dignified, a real overcomer. People see me and tell me, "You look amazing. I'm so proud of you. You are handling all of this so well." There are days when those things have been very true. But there have have been many, many more days when that's not the case. I look back and see a woman who was truly in grief, overcome with sadness, angry, confused and deeply hurt. My point in writing this blog has always been to be transparent and honest. One of my very real life policies is that if I am going to share anything about myself or my life, I'm going to do so because I feel as though someone else might benefit from my stories, someone might be encouraged by my journey, and that it will bring glory to God through my testimony. It's not my style to put things out there that are a lie, because that doesn't serve my purpose in writing it.
There are things about me that are so true - I am strong. I am passionate about my beliefs. I believe in my Lord Jesus Christ. I am truthful. I am an overcomer. But I am also vulnerable. I am emotional. I struggle with trust and control. I am strong-willed. And I am pushy. I can be a lot to take at times, and there have been times in all of this that I have hurt those around me with my weaknesses. It's not an excuse because no matter what you have control over externally, you always have control over your own actions - however, I do realize that every day in all of this, I have done the very best I could have in the circumstances. Some days, the best I could was to not fall into the pit of despair. I have never been a person who processes grief by staying in bed and not being able to function. Quite the contrary, actually. But despair for me is to allow the enemy into my mind to tell me lies. And those days, when I felt weaker than others, it was certainly a true test of wills. Sometimes, I didn't win. I let the enemy win and I said things I wasn't proud of. Other days, it wasn't even a battle at all. I felt the Holy Spirit flowing through me and I had no doubt it was all going to be OK. I think that's the way it is in life in general, whether you are going through a serious situation or not.
For me, when those days come and I have done things that are beneath my character, it can be very tempting to fall into even deeper despair because you have hurt other people in the process of your own grief. The shame of things I've said haunts me at times. But one of my best qualities, I think, is my ability to allow God in and show me my mistakes, and then do what I can to fix them. It doesn't always happen overnight. But eventually, I can look back and go, "Yes, you were hurting. But you really shouldn't have done that. You need to make this right." And then I try to do just that. I ask for forgiveness from God first, and then set out to make things right.
I think one of the biggest tricks the enemy has up his sleeve is people's sense that once things are done, they are done. Maybe you've done things you are ashamed of, and spend so much time running from them because you are fearful of what might happen if you face them head on and try to make them right. Maybe that person won't forgive you. Maybe you spend your time being so convinced what you did was right or justified that you don't let God in to teach you that what you did was wrong. Maybe you've decided that going back to that person you've wronged is giving up control of your righteous anger. One thing is for sure - pride is probably the most powerful tool at Satan's disposal. A lesson I've learned in all of this is that when you are in the midst of spiritual warfare, you have to be able to identify God's voice and do what He is asking of you, even if it's hard and even if you have to humble yourself. We are all so worried about what other people are doing and "if only they'd do this and if only they'd do that." It's so hard to look within and see what you can do to make the situation better. I have finally gotten to a point in all of this where I have decided that if I am not part of the solution, I am part of the problem. That means, though, humbling myself, every single day. Listening to God's voice and doing things that maybe the world might think is nuts.
I also have to be very tender with myself and not beat myself up too much about how I am not perfect in how I handle things. Like I said before, I am going through a very real, very serious time of grief. The rules of my life have changed and I am learning every day how to navigate within those new rules. I miss Jason. Every day. I think there will always be a part of me that misses him and be sad for what could have been. Maybe that will go away over time, but right now, it's still very much a reality for me.
Keep the encouraging words coming, even if I don't reply back to every one personally, you have no idea how much your own stories and kind thoughts have helped me through this process.
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