Aside from the Bible, there is one book that changed my life more than any other, How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. When I read this book, I was 25 years old, had moved to Plano to start a new chapter of my life, and was having trouble finding my place. This book resonated with me in so many ways, the main reason because I was already living my life by many of the principles, I just didn't realize it.
As many of you know, I was Service Manager at the Texas Roadhouse for several years. Guys, by the standards of the job description, I was a terrible service manager. I hated doing schedules for employees, managing people, doing liquor inventory and any other housekeeping part of the job. What I was the best at, and what I loved about the job, were the guests. No one, and I repeat no one, was better than me with our guests. I think my gift of hospitality shined bright, even then. When you came into my restaurant, you were treated as friends. People loved eating there. They loved being recognized and they loved having a place where employees and the manager knew who they were. I encouraged servers to create relationships with their guests, talk to them, and invite them back to eat with them again. The atmosphere I created was one of energy, fun and personal service. I would be known to make new friends with guests constantly. I would sit at a booth with a guest for way too long, talking about anything and everything with them. I would get in trouble for the time I spent doing this. Servers would be looking for me to do something and I would be at table 334, just talking with my new best friend about my latest trip to New York City or about the meaning of life. Luckily for me, my boss knew the reason he'd hired me was for this very reason...I was doing what I knew to do best, which was to be likable and create relationships, which kept people coming back over and over. Some guests ate at our restaurant 3 times a week. And when they came in, I was only so thrilled to see them and welcome them in as if they were the most important people in the room. And to me, right in that moment, they were. I had a gift for turning a terrible guest experience into a good one. An upset guest, who only minutes earlier was ready to rip my head off, was now laughing and left feeling good about the experience, ready to come back again.
But I digress - I could probably write an entire book about customer service and anyone who has ever worked with me for 5 minutes knows what I am talking about.
My point is - the reason I was good at my job was because I was likable. The guests liked me, genuinely liked me, not because I was shmoozing them but because I am an authentically likable person. My boss and others at Roadhouse allowed of great deal of leniency with me about my ability to do my job because I was likable. Being a likable person can get you very, very far in life, even if you aren't the best at a certain thing or you aren't the most talented.
What I am talking about isn't a tactic to manipulate others into liking you. If you read Dale Carnegie's book, it isn't a list of things to do to get people to do things you want them to do. It teaches you how to genuinely like others first. If you can learn how to become a more likable person in your life, I guarantee that you will find yourself getting higher up the corporate ladder, you will find more opportunities, a larger sphere of influence and generally more things will go your way. Promotions in my life haven't always come because I was the best at things (although being likable means you aren't a lazy person, so usually I was also very good at my job), but they came because I was well liked and respected and it meant that I would be able to accomplish something great within that position that others couldn't.
I will tell you that the #1 reason my career in real estate took off was because I was a likable person and people really enjoyed working with me. I started my estate sale business and it took off - because I was a likable person and networking came easily. People want to share you with their friends and family if you are a likable person. You won't even have to ask for referrals - they will just come to you because when people like you, they will want you to be successful.
Once again - this isn't a tactic. This isn't a manipulation. It's about genuinely liking others first and how you show yourself to the world. Here are some things likable people do:
Likable people do not go around complaining.
You know those people - the glass if half empty (if it has anything in it at all). They wear their failures on their sleeves as badges of honor. The world is unfair, the traffic is horrible, you aren't feeling good for the 75th time again this year, you didn't get that promotion, blah blah blah. I call these people energy zappers because they zap the energy out of everyone around them. I'm not talking about people who genuinely are having a hard time in this particular stretch of life - I'm talking about people for whom complaining is a part of their character. People judge how much they like you by how you make them feel about themselves. If you are going around, zapping the energy out of everyone you come in contact with, people leave interactions with you feeling negative, listless and tired. Yes, everyone has bad days. But no one wants to commiserate with you about yours. If they aren't having a bad day, you'll be the last person they want to talk to because your bad day rubs off on their good day.
Likable people find other people's interests and lives interesting.
I'm not talking about feeding egos. I'm saying that likable people genuinely have an interest in others. I could listen to someone talk about their experience as a business owner, or how they met their husband, or how they got into rock collecting, or any other crazy topic forever. And have.
Listen - I'm not saying that listening to stories about rock collecting are always the most action packed things in the world. But it's not about rock collecting - it's about listening to how that person got in to rock collecting, how they collected rocks with their grandmother as a kid, and how they do it with their grandkids now. Listening to how that person has a passion for something that you might never have even known about previously and learning about something new. People will tell you all kinds of things about who they are, what is important to them and what makes them tick - just talking about something as simple as rock collecting. You just have to shut up and listen.
And ask me how many times something like rock collecting - or things I learned about rock collecting in some random conversation - has come up in another conversation with a potentially new client or with another person of interest. This allows me to create another relationship because I am able to relate quickly with someone new. Think back to conversations any of you have had with me - how many times have I used the phrase, "I was talking to a guy the other day about this very thing, he said..." or "I was reading a book the other day about this and I learned..." I have no interest in rock collecting myself, nor will I ever have known about it other than that one conversation. But it might be the one topic that allows me to relate with someone later on down the line.
Conversations you have with others matter, people. You just have to find a way to be interested in listening to other people's stories as opposed to always talking about yourself!
Likable people help other people get what they want.
You want to get what you want in life? The best way to do that is help others get what they want. Once again - I'm not talking about doing favors and holding them over other people's heads. I'm talking about a genuine interest in helping other's succeed. But in order to know what someone else wants - you have to actually listen! Helping others succeed, or contributing to their success in some meaningful way, shows others that you care about what is important to them. Do it with no other agenda other than because it makes you feel good to see other people get something they want. I guarantee that when the time comes for you, they will go out of their way to help because the majority of people have no understanding of this concept. Help others look good to their bosses at work. Compliment someone publicly. Go out of your way to share a good experience on social media from a small business owner. Tell your pastor how amazing someone was at organizing a retreat - with that person standing right next to you. These small gestures of good will are amazingly important - and it makes you a more likable person.
Likable people are sincere and genuine.
People can spot shallow people a mile away. They can spot being manipulated and when others are doing things for them for selfish reasons. Likable people compliment only when they truly mean it. Actually, they are always complimentary, they just find the compliment that is the most sincere. They aren't the Eddie Haskells of the world. Instead of telling someone how beautiful they are when they don't mean it, they will say something like, "Jane Doe, you can put together the most amazing outfit of anyone I know! You always look amazing every time I see you." They also go for the deeper compliments rather than the surface ones. "Jane Doe, I am always so blown away by how you shake everyone's hand and make others feel welcome at church. You have a true knack for welcoming guests."
Likable people truly want to make others feel good about themselves, but not at the cost of being insincere. They are also always the same person to everyone, regardless of the situation. If you've met me at church, it will be the same person you see at networking events, and the same person you see at a party at my house.
Likable people share their lives with others, if it helps others feel comfortable or to create a connection. I don't mean their deepest, darkest secrets - but their failures or their experiences. They only do this when the situation calls for it and if it is appropriate. They want to do this because they want to show their genuine selves to others.
Likable people treat others with respect.
Respect is a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. When someone talks to you about rock collecting, you might not have any interest in that. But you can respect how dedicated they are to a hobby. You can respect that they dedicate their time to something. You can respect that they have the biggest collection of uncommon rocks in all of north Texas. You can respect others because of what they have accomplished, even if that particular thing isn't something you find important or even valuable. Likable people always find a way to respect someone else. Sure, they might not be the best city councilman in the universe, but you can respect the work it took and their sacrifice in time to become one in the first place. Likable people say things like, "They aren't the best at what they do, but you wouldn't see me being able to do it, so I appreciate that they would."
Likable people don't spend time worrying about people who don't like them back.
Usually, likable people do not have many people who do not like them in return. But it happens. Likable people know that this is just part of life and if someone doesn't like them, it's not the end of the world and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with them personally. Likable people, who have the respect and admiration of many, can be very intimidating to someone who wants that admiration too, but doesn't understand why they aren't getting it. Likable people realize that they might not be everyone's taste, and that is just fine. They don't use passive aggression on social media to bring the other person down or attempt to superficially get that person to like them. Remember - likable people aren't complainers and likable people are genuine. Likable people generally have a pretty healthy self-esteem and don't need the validation of others to make them feel good about themselves.
Likable people go out of their way to make other people feel comfortable.
Think about it this way - when you have people over to your home, you try to make others feel comfortable. You offer them a drink, make sure the temperature is comfortable and that your house is clean. Likable people are like the hostesses of every situation they are in, even if it's not their party. They don't make people feel dumb for contributing a comment. They make others feel included in groups and circumstances. They are the first ones to say hello and goodbye. The address people with a welcoming tone and salutation. They invite others to sit next to them at events where that person might not know anyone else. They introduce that person to others whom they might not know.
This can go miles in terms of your relationships with others. Bonus points if you connect two people together who might be a good working team! (Likable people help others succeed, remember?)
Likable people make other people feel good about themselves.
Remember - people judge how much they like you by how you make them feel about themselves. If someone walks away from an interaction with you feeling good about themselves, they will forever remember you. In Dale Carnegie's book, he talks about being a good conversationalist. You know how to be a good conversationalist? Ask a lot of questions and let the other person do the talking. They will walk away from that interaction and say, "Jenna is such a good conversationalist! I so enjoyed talking with her." And I might not have contributed one interesting tidbit into the conversation. All I did was ask questions about him/her! When you engage in other people's interests, and make complimentary comments about them, it makes people feel great because most people do not take the time to listen to others. "Wow, you have the biggest uncommon rock collection in DFW, that must have taken you years! How long have you been doing it?" "Wow, your grandma and you used to do it, you must have had a lot of fun with her! Was she into rocks as a kid, too?" Once again, this only works if it's not a tactic, and you are genuinely trying to learn more - not about rock collecting, but about them. You might have just expressed an interest in something they haven't been able to share with anyone else and they will feel so happy to have been able to brag on it to someone for a while!
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