Sharing My Jennarocity

I want to make sure to preface this post. I got a lot of questions from the last post about being told I was bitter and people who'd made me feel bad for not being over things. People said, "Was that me?" There were a few very close people to me during the entire downfall and there were times that we would talk about how long I'm going to be upset about this because they were afraid I was crossing over into Bittertown. Aside from them, though, the comments I got that I am referring to came from online support groups and well-meaning acquaintances. So - your best friends, your kids, your siblings - suddenly they find themselves in the middle of a divorce. In my opinion, there are two ways to have a divorce: the one where both partners saw it coming, discussed it, tried to work things out and parted ways respectfully and amicably; and then all the rest. I recently polled a single women group on Facebook about why they got divorced. Out of 175 women who responded, 7...

After my last post, I received a lot of messages from women who had the same situation happen to them. I'm not going to lie - it makes me angry. It makes me angry how prevalent it's become in our culture for women, especially, to be left behind to deal with the aftermath of their spouse's selfishness. I don't even know if it's a culture thing or just a sin thing that's happened since the dawn of time, but I guess now that I've been through what I've been through, I see it all around me, in my personal relationships or online in support forums for divorced women, even in DivorceCare at the local church.  What makes me different, I think, is that I am willing to talk about my experiences honestly and without fear. It's humiliating to go through. Seriously humiliating. And no woman wants to admit that the man they chose to spend their life with would be capable of causing them such pain and anguish, much less bring kids into the mix. We want to cov...

So, there's a pretty large piece of the puzzle I've kept to myself about this entire situation. My ex-husband is now married. Again.  I was really not going to write about this on my blog, but Avery has been told by her dad and is talking about it with anyone who will listen, so there really isn't a point keeping it a secret anymore.  I'm not sure I can accurately put into words how it feels to be betrayed in the way I've been betrayed. Not just by a man, but by several people. A few weeks ago - remember my grief? - I found this out and had a very difficult time dealing with it. I found out about them getting married. Not finding out that there would be another woman in the picture. That I've known for some time. I was humiliated at first. How could I not be. But It's become pretty evident that this isn't my humiliation to bare. Yes, it happened to me, but it's not my fault, nor is it my burden to carry. What this does mean is th...

Since my last post, I've had a couple of weeks to get some healing. I called what happened to me a couple weeks ago a nervous breakdown, but it wasn't, at all. It was grief. Pure overwhelming grief. God put me right there for a very good reason. He was saying, "Jenna, it's time to let all of this go. It's time to move on. You've held it together and I've let you, but trust me and know - it's time to move on with your life."  I knew there would come a point when all of the sudden things would just be...ok. I would stop caring about what he was doing and I would stop feeling pain when I thought about him. I say all of the sudden - but it's really a process almost a year in the making. But it's like, you feel pain, pain, pain, then suddenly....less pain. Then, hardly anything at all.  That's what's happened to me this week. I can say that I've forgiven him for what he's done. I can say that I don't care what choice...

...that's been me.  And crack, is has.  I know everyone looks into my life and sees how "well" I've been handling things. There are some really good days, but there have also been very bad days. Last night was the worst day of all of this so far. I don't know if it's the stress of the having to sell the house, or other issues that have come up this week that I'd rather not share, but I finally had a breakdown.  I don't know if this whole time, if maybe I thought that some how, some way, there would be some miracle that would stop all the bad things from happening during this divorce. I prayed for God to intervene a million times and stopped when I realized that wasn't what He was going to do. For the longest time, maybe I was just afraid of things that were to come, and I thought the finality of the divorce would end those fears for me.  Our divorce date came and went, and here I am, and things in the situation have become much wor...

This is one of my favorite worship songs for many reasons, but I'm not sure I really understood what this song actually felt like to live it out until now. The song is "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United." Here are the lyrics: You call me out upon the waters The great unknown where feet may fail And there I find You in the mystery In oceans deep My faith will stand And I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I am Yours and You are mine Your grace abounds in deepest waters Your sovereign hand Will be my guide Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me You've never failed and You won't start now So I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I am Yours and You are mine And You are mine Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders Let me walk upon the waters Wherever You wou...

Six years ago, almost to the day, I posted about us moving into our dream house.  It was titled, "When You Are Least Expecting It."   I find it ironic, given the way all of this ended, as surprisingly as it began.  When Jason first left, I had three major fears: 1) Losing my marriage, 2) Losing my stepkids and 3) Losing my house.  My house is the last on that list of concerns. Of those three things, I've kept the one thing that mattered most, which is knowing I will always be in my stepkids' lives. While I didn't have much control how all of this played out, I was able to negotiate in our decree that when I got rid of the house would be my decision on my terms. I've been paying for it alone since February and the Lord saw fit to take care of me financially until I was ready to emotionally give it up. The last few months, I've been really thinking about the house and working through my emotions about it. Every week, I get more and more aggr...